Month: March 2006

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster triumphs over Scottish smokers!

The new smoking ban that covers ALL enclosed public places in Scotland is a great success. Despite the rantings of the smoking minority and threats to break the law, that hasn’t happened.

See this piece in the Daily Record. No doubt one or two anti-social diehards will make a big point of making themselves look like fools by having a drag or two in a pub or shopping mall but they face an on the spot £50 fine and any companies that permit or fail to prevent smoking face an on the spot fine of £200 per incident or £2500 upon prosecution. Persistent offenders can be put out of business.

Nessie was delighted to see that a new smoker detector (yes that’s smoker, not smoke) has been invented which “sees” the heat signature of a lighter or match as the violator lights up. It can trigger a camera to take a photo so that the person can be successfully prosecuted. Ain’t technology wonderful?!!

Shock: Loch Ness Monster may have been Princess Diana swimming!

This week Private Eye Magazine provides a shocking new insight into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales and Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. It reports that “the so-called ‘trunk’ [photo] was, in fact, our beloved Diana’s arm, as she waved desperately to people on the shore, trying to attract their attention before she was kidnapped by the Duke of Edinburgh’s personal submarine”. 

If this is true then it clears up two of the world’s greatest mysteries in one go and Private Eye is to be congratulated for a superb piece of investigative journalism.

Loch Ness Monster to be drowned in government’s sewage

Yes folks, it’s official. SEPA, The Scottish Environmental Protection Agency (ha ha), has given permission to its sister quango Historic Scotland to dump massive amounts of raw sewage into Loch Ness from its hideous visitor centre and restaurant extravaganza at Urquhart Castle.

Locals have already seen human waste floating near Urquhart Bay so now we can expect to see and smell a lot more horrors in this sensitive beauty spot as the government defecate on our environment for simple greed. Together with many others we campaigned to get this sewage crime stopped but our views were ignored as the area’s local unelected quangos gave each other the necessary nods and winks.

It doesn’t bode well for the campaign to stop mega pylons running over Scotland but there is a council meeting on this one next month and we’ll keep you posted.

Loch Ness Monster shocked by dog condom disaster

Your webmaster has noticed a worrying increase in the number of stray dogs lining Loch Ness, possibly attracted to the area by the large number of tourists who still toss chickens into the water despite official warnings of the dangers of avian flu.

The Dog Condom project offered a reprieve but it seems that it has all gone horribly wrong: http://dogcondoms.com/product-recall.html

Loch Ness Monster says “I am not an elephant”

Dr. Neil Clarke of the University of Glasgow has cracked a great new theory about Nessie: She’s an elephant from the circus having a bath in Loch Ness!!! Well, aficionados of this website don’t need telling that this is a lot of hogwash (excuse the pun) and a cursory look at the facts leads us to the conclusion that Nessie is a plesiosaur, pre and simple.

1. Loch Ness is actually many miles from Inverness. So if a circus was visiting they’d have to cart their elephants miles for a swim. Not likely.

2. If a circus elephant was swimming in Loch Ness one would expect its human minders to be with it (I mean, would you let your expensive large pet swim off on its own?!) There would also be colourful circus-with trailers – parked all over the place. People would notice!

3. The waters in Loch Ness NEVER rise above 5 degrees centigrade and that’s way-to-cold for elephant baths.

No, nice try but it is clear that Nessie is a plesiosaur.

Loch Ness Monster asks you to Grass up the smokers

On Sunday 26th March your webmaster will be looking for smoking ban violators and reporting them to the authorities for maximum punishment. This website is committed to hurting smokers to the MAXIMUM extent permitted by law (which sadly isn’t much) and we’ll do everything we can to report the law breaking smokers who have spent the last thirty years trying to passively kill us.

There will be no compassion for the cancer causers from us. Take heed smokers: Your evil weed is going down!

Loch Ness Monster to be saved from passive smoking

Yes folks, it’s official! On Sunday 26th March this year the filthy and anti-social habit of smoking will be 100% banned in ALL PUBLIC places in Scotland. Take note Spain and get your act together!!! I love your tapas bars in Madrid but they are still full of stinky smokers who should all be forced out onto the streets where they belong!

Scotland follows the lead from its Celtic cousins in Eire and what a wonderful world it will be. But Nessie has noticed that there are a few nasty little places around the area that have sworn to defy the ban and break the law and that must be prevented. A short while ago the Loch Ness 2000 exhibition in Drumnadrochit (which I don’t suggest anybody bother visiting since I don’t think it’s much more than a glorified show about plankton and mud) allowed its big mobile Nessie to be dragged around the city of Inverness with a huge cigarette in its mouth to campaign for the ill-fated pro-smoking Publican Party (so few people voted for them that the sad losers lost their election deposit, hah hah hah!) during the last general election campaign. Disgusting. Boycott them, I say!!!

Now, this website defends Nessie the Loch Ness Monster’s health and the health of locals and visitors to the area so if you see anybody smoking in a bar, restaurant or anywhere else in an enclosed public space on Sunday 26th March or any time after, please be sure and complain to the authorities who will impose heavy fines on the smokers and massive fines on the offending bar or restaurant.

We only want nice law-abiding and clean-smelling places in the Highlands so let us know of any violators so that we can name and shame them on this website for putting peoples’ lives at risk and ruining the environment.

If you find a smoking violation on or after the 26th March and feel aggrieved you can call 0845 130 7250 to register your complaint.