Professor Plume denies CIA links with Loch Ness Monster

After a Jury Five-Count Indictment on CIA Leaks about Valerie Plume: “I can categorically deny that I have links with Ms. Plume and have never discussed covert operations at Loch Ness or any of my secret research into alien manifestations here with anybody from the CIA”. 

Professor Plume is very keen to draw a swift line under the allegations and to move on because it is distracting his official project team from vital Loch Ness research into the nature and habitat of the world’s oldest plesiosaur. He confirmed, “I will not be resigning as project leader at Loch Ness”.

Bird Flu Arrives in Britain – everyone will die!

Saturday and they’ve just told us that an infected parrot has brought bird flu to the UK. Nessie the Loch Ness Monster is in big trouble now because dinosaurs are the ancestors of birds and therefore it won’t take much to infect her.

No Raw Chickens in Loch Ness
No Raw Chickens in Loch Ness

Steps have been taken to stop people throwing chickens into Loch Ness (a very common pastime enjoyed by many visitors to the area as they try to get Nessie to grab the bait) but wild birds are a much bigger problem.

We can only hope that the virus doesn’t spread this far north…

Confusion abounds over $1 million “bounty” for Nessie

We read in the papers that there is a $1 million bounty out for the capture of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster but despite pointing out the possible illegality of capturing Nessie, we have heard nothing from the promoters of this poorly thought-out scheme. Well, action has to be taken to protect the poor beast so we are writing to the Northern Constabulary seek assurances that Nessie will be given the full protection accorded to her under the law. Money tends to bring out the worst in people and we already have the prospect of an avian flu infection reaching Loch Ness, as people continue to ignore the warning to stop throwing raw chickens into the water to try and bait Nessie.

We well remember the spectacle of the late “Desperate Dan Taylor” who seemed hell-bent on coming here in a home-spun submarine fitted with a harpoon gun to attack Nessie. Thankfully he was put off coming when some of us here started pointing out that we would use every environmental protection law to keep his tub out of our waters. But a million bucks is a lot of cash – so who knows what new horror will set its sights on our poor Nessie’s hide.

Plague tests and nuclear bombs under Loch Ness

Folk have long held the suspicion that the government in Westminster doesn’t really care much about what happens up here and that view seems to be confirmed by recent evidence that plague tests were carried out off the coast of Stornoway. We’ve been doing some digging and found that they also had bad plans for Loch Ness too…

The Evil Beneath Loch Ness

We have just watched the movie The Evil Beneath Loch Ness and it has to be called a classic of all time. Shot on location in California, the imitation Scottish accents and extraordinary clothes make this film a “can’t be missed” for all Loch Ness aficionados. 

One thing this film does highlight, correctly in this blog’s opinion, is the possibility for a tunnel linking Loch Ness to the North Sea. While the tunnel may not be open all the time, powerful seismic events in the active earthquake zone under Loch Ness (the Great Glen Fault) ensure that it may open from time to time, thereby letting a monster, like Nessie, enter and leave the loch.

Veteran monster hunter says he’s found something in Loch Ness…

A geriatric self-publicist has made his latest (and hopefully last) trip to Loch Ness to find the monster. Surprise, surprise he’s managed to find some “organic material” (i.e. crud) at the bottom of the loch and apparently it’s being sent away for “DNA analysis” to labs in the UK and USA. Well, he’s got the right to waste his own money!

We get them all here, from the naked Frenchman who sailed out onto Loch Ness on a boat covered with stretch-tight black polythene while beating a drum (to raise Nessie from the depths!) to crazed Swedes (hell-bent on trapping a monster) to lunatic old men who squander their life savings on homespun submarines. And then of course there is the proliferation of heavily bearded local “experts”.

Life here is crazy. This blog will serve as a testament to that!