Category: Uncategorized

by Mikko on Sun 29 Aug 2010 10:55 BST

Cryptozoologist, Professor Kettle, has spent a lifetime searching for elusive creatures – all previously unknown to science. From the Abominable Snowman to the Coelacanth he has travelled across the globe in an endless quest, which some less than generous souls have dubbed “his silly and stupid obsession”. However, the professor is very blasé about his critics:

“they fall into two broad camps”, he said. “Firstly, the bone idle ones who can’t be bothered to get out of a chair to do anything themselves. Secondly, the envious types who resent my unrivalled success tracking down evidence of cryptids – or “unknown creatures – as the layman would call them.

Personally I consider myself a touch eccentric and quite frankly what other people think of me is their problem”.

At this point in our conversation the professor said he would like to introduce another member of his research team, Dr. Pott. It turns out that Pott’s doctorate is in Applied Mathematical Environmental Research and he designs most of the unique and intricate pieces of equipment used to track down the unknown. “He isn’t exactly Scully from the X-Files in looks but he does a really good job” quips Kettle.

Dr. Pott offers us tea and I start to tremble with anticipation. It’s common knowledge within academe that if Professor Kettle respects your work then tea will be served in his unique Nessie shaped tea pot. If he thinks you are mediocre it comes as a tea bag in a mug; the whole thing is a kind of semaphore signal of success or failure.

Well, the door creaked open and a decrepit and wisend old lady brought through the tea tray. And there it was! The real, unique Kettle owned Loch Ness Monster tea pot. I felt pure elation, such that I nearly collapsed. Bizarrely all I could think of was the TV series “The Sopranos” and that this is how it must feel to be made a “made man” by the mafia.

“So this is the genuine Kettle’s tea pot?” was all I managed to stutter; I was too awestruck to say more. “Actually no”, said Professor Kettle. “Dr. Pott originally pointed it out to me in an antiques shop in Forres and I bought it on the spot. But he saw it first so around here it is known as Pott’s pot.”

No matter. I knew that whether it was Kettle’s pot or Pott’s pot I had received the scientific equivalent of a beatification and now I knew that my own academic papers would always be published in the best journals and one day I would stroll before a camera for the National Geographic Channel.

by Mikko on Sun 06 Jun 2010 15:04 BST

Never since the late and unlamented Publican Party took over a large mobile model of our beloved Nessie and trundled it around Loch Ness with a large mocked up cigarette hanging out of its mouth has the Loch Ness Monster ever been so challenged by ash.

On that occasion the pub landlords concerned were seeking votes in a general election to overturn the Scotland -wide ban on smoking in public places. Needless to say their humiliation of Nessie probably helped to ensure they got so few votes that they lost their electoral deposit and they have never been heard from since!

This time it’s volcanic ash from Iceland that’s been threatening to asphyxiate the rare cryptozoological creature (cryptid). It has fallen heavily across the loch creating a kind of sulphur based scum that blocks out light and air. It’s also played havoc with a lot of delicate research equipment that is used to study Nessie and many other rare creatures that dwell deep beneath the water.

Professor Kettle spoke of his grave fears that Nessie would finally be killed:

“We have been working day and night to skim the ash off the water using a flotilla of small boats and large quantities of sphagnum moss, which is plentiful here. This is rolled into tight tubes and tied with netting and then dragged across the loch behind the boats”.

He went on to describe the challenge to local teams of volunteers: “Although we had some twenty five boats we had to cover an area of about 33 square miles and it’s taken two weeks of work around the clock”.

Now the job is finally complete and the water is clean once again. A local fisherman gave his thanks to the team. “I think what they have done is wonderful and I know I speak on behalf of the silent majority when I say that it means a great deal to us to know our monster is safe and we can fish again”.

The fear is that a second volcano five times larger than the first will explode soon – it usually follows the smaller one within a year or two. But Dr. Pott says his team will do more research and perfect their clean-up methods. “Unlike BP in the Gulf of Mexico we intend to be fully prepared for a large scale disaster over here”.

by Mikko on Thu 20 May 2010 08:19 BST

Good news! Volcanic Ash Clears From Loch Ness air space so you can come and see Nessie the monster again!

by Mikko on Thu 20 May 2010 08:19 BST

Good news! Volcanic Ash Clears From Loch Ness air space so you can come and see Nessie the monster again!

by Mikko on Sun 16 May 2010 15:58 BST

News has just come in that a flight over Loch Ness by a Lancaster Bomber has been grounded due to volcanic ash from Iceland. The flight, due to arrive from Manchester, had been part of plans to commemorate the crash of a WWII bomber in Loch Ness, the remains of which remain 750 feet (250 metres) beneath the waves.

Divers who have entered the deep waters near the crashed site have often surfaced white faced and trembling with fear having seen or felt a strange presence in the water.

Eminent cryptozoologist Professor Kettle believes that what they saw or felt is in fact the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Speaking from his project HQ he said, “I am very disappointed that the Lancaster Bomber has not been able to make its flight as I was looking forward to an extraordinary day, but I am certain that others in the field of cryptozoology agree with my view that anything strange in the loch is in fact a surviving plesiosaur”.

He continued, “others have strange beliefs including some who think that Elvis Presley and Maralyn Monroe live on the crashed bomber – trapped in some kind of time warp or other dimension – but I think we can safely discount such tittle tattle”.

More about a Lancaster Bomber here.

by Mikko on Sat 15 May 2010 19:09 BST

In a plan that looks similar to one being used by oil companies in the Gulf of Mexico, a massive metal “top hat” is being built by oil yard specialists in the Highlands of Scotland to seal off a new and worrying volcanic plume.

Dr. Pott said, “the situation is difficult and dangerous as this lava and sulphur outflow is 750 feet beneath the loch’s pitch black water. If left unchecked it could create millions of litres of sulphuric acid with the potential for wiping out salmon, catfish, eels and of course the world famous cryptid, Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.”

Other cryptozoological specialists are equally concerned. Professor Kettle warned that the mission was probably a “one off chance to avert disaster”.

Loch Ness has very acidic and dark water due to the massive amount of peat that is washed in from thousands of streams and rivers and cryptozoologists believe that this makes it especially vulnerable to environmental damage.

A specialised ship with enormous lifting gear and submersible robot submarines has been chartered to drop the steel top hat onto the volcanic plume, which will then be covered with over a million tonnes of rock dynamited from the underwater cliffs.