The Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Blog

Drumnadrochit elders have been quick to dismiss reports that the Olympic Torch is to be carried along its path today by elderly men with massive beards they have doused in petrol and set on fire in a desperate bid to draw more attention to themselves. “It is simply not true that this wonderful thing has been hijacked by a bunch of self-appointed self-publicists keen to milk the event for all its worth”, a spokesperson for The Silent Majority told us.

Well, that is a major relief. Nessie, our famous Loch Ness Monster, has enough trouble with formally unqualified pseudo scientists already and really doesn’t need the hassle of Zimmer frame aided burning beard “expeditionistas” creating even more mayhem!

In other news, Torch Watchers have again been warned by Professor Kettle not to throw dead chickens into Loch Ness as highly contagious Legionnaires’ Disease rages through the country showing no signs of slowing down

It seems that Nessie is not a great one for all the pomp and circumstance surrounding the queen’s royal flotilla. She kept her head down today and refused to make an appearance. There are very real concerns amongst Nessie researchers that she will be greatly affected by noisy fireworks in nearby Inverness but we are not unduly concerned as once it’s all over and something like reality returns Nessie will be back! She has, after all, survived a massive meteorite strike in the Jurassic era, multiple ice ages and two world wars. She’s tough!

There is tremendous speculation and chatter around Loch Ness as it has been announced that the enormous skeletal remains of a carnivorous dinosaur have been found in Beauly, Ross-shire.

“Beauly is only 10 miles or so from the village of Drumnadrochit on the shores of Loch Ness and the historic discovery of a beast like this – living and hunting nearby further proves that Nessie – the world famous monster – must exist”. We know that the village is full of old dinosaurs from a bygone age that still manage to stalk about causing trouble but this takes us back millions of years into an even more dog-eat-dog jurassic world.

You can read more about this staggering discovery in The Inverness Courier.

by Mikko on Wed 14 Mar 2012 17:22 GMT

Some great news from Drumnadrochit: we are getting a spanking new medical centre to replace the existing surgery on Balmacaan Road which has always been excellent but is now too small to cope with an expanding population and large catchment area.

£1.5 million will be made available over three years starting next year. Read more about it in the Inverness Courier.

Nessie, our famous monster, told this blog that she is delighted at the prospect of even better health care in case she gets poorly. Cryptozoologists and expedition members often put their lives on the line hunting for Nessie and will also benefit from the peace of mind offered by a modern new health facility.

by Mikko on Sun 11 Mar 2012 11:33 GMT

Is this the world’s most expensive public loo? It certainly looks like it is Scotland’s!

Britain’s most remote public toilet is under construction on the island of Handa, which is uninhabited and lies within the inner Hebrides off the northwest coast of Sutherland.

Summer on the island sees in excess of 100,000 seabirds, including puffins, guillemots and razorbills. The new WC (or “restroom” – for our American friends) will feature a turf roof, be built from steel to withstand the weather and produce organic compost. It came at a cost of £50,000 but will cater for an amazing number of visitors – 6000 make the trip there each year to see the beautiful scenery and wildlife.