The Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Blog

It’s that time of year again and as ever, we are often asked where people should go and what they should see. Well, here is a short list of things we like, don’t like or would definitely not waste time or a dime doing:

1. First up: Use the FREE lay-bys along the roads that run parallel with Loch Ness. You’ve got the best chance of seeing Nessie when you are actually next to the water so make use of these great facilities. NB. None of the monster exhibitions in Drumnadrochit is near enough to the water to see it, which is a pity since you’ve come all this way to get close to Nessie.

2. If you really must see a monster exhibition then we only recommend The Original Loch Ness Exhibition (since renamed “Nessieland”) on the Beauly Road. Don’t be confused, the other one calls itself 2000 and we wouldn’t bother stopping off there. Its content is designed by a formally unqualified “naturalist” and might just about be a tiny bit interesting if you’ve come to hear about mud samples and plankton but there is not much for people who, like us, believe in monsters. The Scotsman ran this piece and seem to agree with us.

I feel sorry for children who are dragged through that show. No, if you like Nessie and believe in her then we suggest you go to The Original Loch Ness Exhibition (since renamed “Nessieland”). Check the name carefully before you go in.

3. The best place to buy bits and pieces that are worth having is “Made in Scotland” in Beauly (since closed down). It’s got a beautiful selection of quality goods and a nice café with good food. Well worth a visit.

4. Staying in the area? Well, we’d suggest somewhere in Inverness as it is not far to Loch Ness along on the A82. None of the hotels inside Drumnadrochit, including those at the two big monster exhibitions, are near the water so you won’t be Nessie spotting from them. If hostels are for you then you get magnificent views views of Loch Ness at the Invermoristion Youth Hostel and the same from the nearby camping and caravan site. They are both very good places for Nessie watchers to stay.

5. Urquhart Castle: Don’t make me laugh. It is a total waste of money and run by a corrupt bunch of bandits called “Historic Scotland”. They don’t care one jot about the castle and ruined it with their hideous visitor centre, tartan-tat gift shop and burger bar. More recently they showed their utter contempt for the environment and anything other than financial greed by getting their corrupt government amigos to give a “nod and wink” to a unique relaxation of sewage controls – yes that’s right: Swimming in Loch Ness is likely to get you a mouth full of something rather unpleasant as the busy guest toilets at their visitor centre dump it raw into the loch.

6. The Loch Ness Express. We’d much rather be going somewhere on a boat then sailing round and round the same spot like a demented dog chasing its tail. For this reason we suggest a trip on the Loch Ness Express from Dochfour to pretty Fort Augustus. If you do opt to go on a boat tour on Loch Ness then always keep an eye out for the spin; your “hour on Loch Ness” might include a dismal 15 minute trip to the jetty and back in a minibus.

7. The Great Glen Way. It’s still free and includes beautiful countryside.

8. We don’t recommend any of the local bus tours. Expensive and largely restricted to the spin of whoever is giving you the “tour”. Why spend money on that when you can take a good guide book and experience the wealth of the area for yourself? You don’t need it “interpreted” for you, just experience it for yourself.

9. Restaurants: We like the Mustard Seed in Inverness and haven’t found anything outside the city (apart from the “Tomich Hotel” in the beautiful village of Tomich) that we would even begin to recommend. If you are travelling around the area pick up some ingredients at one of the quality supermarkets in town, make yourself a tasty picnic and enjoy the great outdoors. After all, fresh air and countryside plus the chance to see Nessie is what you are here for and you’ll save yourself a tidy bundle as well!!! Please do take your litter away with you!

Well, that’s our personal take on the scene. We don’t get kick backs from anybody we’ve recommended and we’d only say to the efforts we haven’t recommended: Pull your socks up!!!

If we’ve whetted your appetite for a visit to the Highlands, great!

The Loch Ness Monster was celebrating last night after her enemies the Mega Pylon Monsters were unanimously thrown out by Highland Councillors. There will now be a full public inquiry into the plans to erect the huge power lines all over Scotland’s most beautiful landscapes. More at: http://thescotsman.scotsman.com/scotland.cfm?id=562712006

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster hates to say, “I told you so” but she told you so!!! This story in The Scotsman shows that pub sales in Scotland are soaring after the smoking ban with some pubs running out of beer after they ordered less from breweries because they thought their sales would slump!!!

We’ve received this plea for help from one of the Loch Ness Monster’s friends…can you help? If you have any info we’ll be glad to pass it on!

“I live in Shetland and have today photographed the ruin of a mobile shop with the name JWS Henderson, Mobile Stores, Drumnadrochit 286 painted on the side. It must be 50+ years old. Do you know if this business still exists?

Regards

John Dally”

The new smoking ban that covers ALL enclosed public places in Scotland is a great success. Despite the rantings of the smoking minority and threats to break the law, that hasn’t happened.

See this piece in the Daily Record. No doubt one or two anti-social diehards will make a big point of making themselves look like fools by having a drag or two in a pub or shopping mall but they face an on the spot £50 fine and any companies that permit or fail to prevent smoking face an on the spot fine of £200 per incident or £2500 upon prosecution. Persistent offenders can be put out of business.

Nessie was delighted to see that a new smoker detector (yes that’s smoker, not smoke) has been invented which “sees” the heat signature of a lighter or match as the violator lights up. It can trigger a camera to take a photo so that the person can be successfully prosecuted. Ain’t technology wonderful?!!

This week Private Eye Magazine provides a shocking new insight into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales and Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. It reports that “the so-called ‘trunk’ [photo] was, in fact, our beloved Diana’s arm, as she waved desperately to people on the shore, trying to attract their attention before she was kidnapped by the Duke of Edinburgh’s personal submarine”. 

If this is true then it clears up two of the world’s greatest mysteries in one go and Private Eye is to be congratulated for a superb piece of investigative journalism.

Yes folks, it’s official. SEPA, The Scottish Environmental Protection Agency (ha ha), has given permission to its sister quango Historic Scotland to dump massive amounts of raw sewage into Loch Ness from its hideous visitor centre and restaurant extravaganza at Urquhart Castle.

Locals have already seen human waste floating near Urquhart Bay so now we can expect to see and smell a lot more horrors in this sensitive beauty spot as the government defecate on our environment for simple greed. Together with many others we campaigned to get this sewage crime stopped but our views were ignored as the area’s local unelected quangos gave each other the necessary nods and winks.

It doesn’t bode well for the campaign to stop mega pylons running over Scotland but there is a council meeting on this one next month and we’ll keep you posted.

Your webmaster has noticed a worrying increase in the number of stray dogs lining Loch Ness, possibly attracted to the area by the large number of tourists who still toss chickens into the water despite official warnings of the dangers of avian flu.

The Dog Condom project offered a reprieve but it seems that it has all gone horribly wrong: http://dogcondoms.com/product-recall.html

It’s truly awful. So awful in fact that we hope it wins: https://www.lordi.fi/ You heard it here first: Nessie the Loch Ness Monster has been shaken but not stirred by the Finnish Eurovision Song Contest Entry .

Dr. Neil Clarke of the University of Glasgow has cracked a great new theory about Nessie: She’s an elephant from the circus having a bath in Loch Ness!!! Well, aficionados of this website don’t need telling that this is a lot of hogwash (excuse the pun) and a cursory look at the facts leads us to the conclusion that Nessie is a plesiosaur, pre and simple.

1. Loch Ness is actually many miles from Inverness. So if a circus was visiting they’d have to cart their elephants miles for a swim. Not likely.

2. If a circus elephant was swimming in Loch Ness one would expect its human minders to be with it (I mean, would you let your expensive large pet swim off on its own?!) There would also be colourful circus-with trailers – parked all over the place. People would notice!

3. The waters in Loch Ness NEVER rise above 5 degrees centigrade and that’s way-to-cold for elephant baths.

No, nice try but it is clear that Nessie is a plesiosaur.