Author: blogmaster55

Just when Nessie the Loch Ness Monster thought that the creepy little councillors in the local Highland Council had done the right thing by calling for a public inquiry into the new monster pylon network proposed to destroy Scotland, it turns out they didn’t.

They only want “talks in private” about the way forward. In other words a bit of corruption will see it all through on the “nod and wink”. What disgusting people they are. Children will die of leukaemia but a few suits will apparently get their palms well greased with hard ££££££££. Typical. Thanks for nothing Highland Council.

It’s that time of year again and as ever, we are often asked where people should go and what they should see. Well, here is a short list of things we like, don’t like or would definitely not waste time or a dime doing:

1. First up: Use the FREE lay-bys along the roads that run parallel with Loch Ness. You’ve got the best chance of seeing Nessie when you are actually next to the water so make use of these great facilities. NB. None of the monster exhibitions in Drumnadrochit is near enough to the water to see it, which is a pity since you’ve come all this way to get close to Nessie.

2. If you really must see a monster exhibition then we only recommend The Original Loch Ness Exhibition (since renamed “Nessieland”) on the Beauly Road. Don’t be confused, the other one calls itself 2000 and we wouldn’t bother stopping off there. Its content is designed by a formally unqualified “naturalist” and might just about be a tiny bit interesting if you’ve come to hear about mud samples and plankton but there is not much for people who, like us, believe in monsters. The Scotsman ran this piece and seem to agree with us.

I feel sorry for children who are dragged through that show. No, if you like Nessie and believe in her then we suggest you go to The Original Loch Ness Exhibition (since renamed “Nessieland”). Check the name carefully before you go in.

3. The best place to buy bits and pieces that are worth having is “Made in Scotland” in Beauly (since closed down). It’s got a beautiful selection of quality goods and a nice café with good food. Well worth a visit.

4. Staying in the area? Well, we’d suggest somewhere in Inverness as it is not far to Loch Ness along on the A82. None of the hotels inside Drumnadrochit, including those at the two big monster exhibitions, are near the water so you won’t be Nessie spotting from them. If hostels are for you then you get magnificent views views of Loch Ness at the Invermoristion Youth Hostel and the same from the nearby camping and caravan site. They are both very good places for Nessie watchers to stay.

5. Urquhart Castle: Don’t make me laugh. It is a total waste of money and run by a corrupt bunch of bandits called “Historic Scotland”. They don’t care one jot about the castle and ruined it with their hideous visitor centre, tartan-tat gift shop and burger bar. More recently they showed their utter contempt for the environment and anything other than financial greed by getting their corrupt government amigos to give a “nod and wink” to a unique relaxation of sewage controls – yes that’s right: Swimming in Loch Ness is likely to get you a mouth full of something rather unpleasant as the busy guest toilets at their visitor centre dump it raw into the loch.

6. The Loch Ness Express. We’d much rather be going somewhere on a boat then sailing round and round the same spot like a demented dog chasing its tail. For this reason we suggest a trip on the Loch Ness Express from Dochfour to pretty Fort Augustus. If you do opt to go on a boat tour on Loch Ness then always keep an eye out for the spin; your “hour on Loch Ness” might include a dismal 15 minute trip to the jetty and back in a minibus.

7. The Great Glen Way. It’s still free and includes beautiful countryside.

8. We don’t recommend any of the local bus tours. Expensive and largely restricted to the spin of whoever is giving you the “tour”. Why spend money on that when you can take a good guide book and experience the wealth of the area for yourself? You don’t need it “interpreted” for you, just experience it for yourself.

9. Restaurants: We like the Mustard Seed in Inverness and haven’t found anything outside the city (apart from the “Tomich Hotel” in the beautiful village of Tomich) that we would even begin to recommend. If you are travelling around the area pick up some ingredients at one of the quality supermarkets in town, make yourself a tasty picnic and enjoy the great outdoors. After all, fresh air and countryside plus the chance to see Nessie is what you are here for and you’ll save yourself a tidy bundle as well!!! Please do take your litter away with you!

Well, that’s our personal take on the scene. We don’t get kick backs from anybody we’ve recommended and we’d only say to the efforts we haven’t recommended: Pull your socks up!!!

If we’ve whetted your appetite for a visit to the Highlands, great!

We’ve received this plea for help from one of the Loch Ness Monster’s friends…can you help? If you have any info we’ll be glad to pass it on!

“I live in Shetland and have today photographed the ruin of a mobile shop with the name JWS Henderson, Mobile Stores, Drumnadrochit 286 painted on the side. It must be 50+ years old. Do you know if this business still exists?

Regards

John Dally”

The new smoking ban that covers ALL enclosed public places in Scotland is a great success. Despite the rantings of the smoking minority and threats to break the law, that hasn’t happened.

See this piece in the Daily Record. No doubt one or two anti-social diehards will make a big point of making themselves look like fools by having a drag or two in a pub or shopping mall but they face an on the spot £50 fine and any companies that permit or fail to prevent smoking face an on the spot fine of £200 per incident or £2500 upon prosecution. Persistent offenders can be put out of business.

Nessie was delighted to see that a new smoker detector (yes that’s smoker, not smoke) has been invented which “sees” the heat signature of a lighter or match as the violator lights up. It can trigger a camera to take a photo so that the person can be successfully prosecuted. Ain’t technology wonderful?!!

Your webmaster has noticed a worrying increase in the number of stray dogs lining Loch Ness, possibly attracted to the area by the large number of tourists who still toss chickens into the water despite official warnings of the dangers of avian flu.

The Dog Condom project offered a reprieve but it seems that it has all gone horribly wrong: http://dogcondoms.com/product-recall.html

Dr. Neil Clarke of the University of Glasgow has cracked a great new theory about Nessie: She’s an elephant from the circus having a bath in Loch Ness!!! Well, aficionados of this website don’t need telling that this is a lot of hogwash (excuse the pun) and a cursory look at the facts leads us to the conclusion that Nessie is a plesiosaur, pre and simple.

1. Loch Ness is actually many miles from Inverness. So if a circus was visiting they’d have to cart their elephants miles for a swim. Not likely.

2. If a circus elephant was swimming in Loch Ness one would expect its human minders to be with it (I mean, would you let your expensive large pet swim off on its own?!) There would also be colourful circus-with trailers – parked all over the place. People would notice!

3. The waters in Loch Ness NEVER rise above 5 degrees centigrade and that’s way-to-cold for elephant baths.

No, nice try but it is clear that Nessie is a plesiosaur.

On Sunday 26th March your webmaster will be looking for smoking ban violators and reporting them to the authorities for maximum punishment. This website is committed to hurting smokers to the MAXIMUM extent permitted by law (which sadly isn’t much) and we’ll do everything we can to report the law breaking smokers who have spent the last thirty years trying to passively kill us.

There will be no compassion for the cancer causers from us. Take heed smokers: Your evil weed is going down!

Yes folks, it’s official! On Sunday 26th March this year the filthy and anti-social habit of smoking will be 100% banned in ALL PUBLIC places in Scotland. Take note Spain and get your act together!!! I love your tapas bars in Madrid but they are still full of stinky smokers who should all be forced out onto the streets where they belong!

Scotland follows the lead from its Celtic cousins in Eire and what a wonderful world it will be. But Nessie has noticed that there are a few nasty little places around the area that have sworn to defy the ban and break the law and that must be prevented. A short while ago the Loch Ness 2000 exhibition in Drumnadrochit (which I don’t suggest anybody bother visiting since I don’t think it’s much more than a glorified show about plankton and mud) allowed its big mobile Nessie to be dragged around the city of Inverness with a huge cigarette in its mouth to campaign for the ill-fated pro-smoking Publican Party (so few people voted for them that the sad losers lost their election deposit, hah hah hah!) during the last general election campaign. Disgusting. Boycott them, I say!!!

Now, this website defends Nessie the Loch Ness Monster’s health and the health of locals and visitors to the area so if you see anybody smoking in a bar, restaurant or anywhere else in an enclosed public space on Sunday 26th March or any time after, please be sure and complain to the authorities who will impose heavy fines on the smokers and massive fines on the offending bar or restaurant.

We only want nice law-abiding and clean-smelling places in the Highlands so let us know of any violators so that we can name and shame them on this website for putting peoples’ lives at risk and ruining the environment.

If you find a smoking violation on or after the 26th March and feel aggrieved you can call 0845 130 7250 to register your complaint.

This is an odd one: Researchers at the loch have discovered that a high dietary consumption of eels is bad for plesiosaurs. Apparently Loch Ness does not provide a varied diet and so the question now is: How can Nessie survive for so many years when normal folk are knocked out by a much lower cholesterol intake?

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster is looking for stories about the real goings on around her home in the 1970s and 80s. There have been a lot of very dodgy people up here over the years and there still are still some very dodgy and weird goings on. If you have anything juicy to tell us please let us know as we are actively collecting these things with a view to publication. Some of our little secrets will make your hair stand on end!