Author: mikkoT

Shock: Loch Ness Monster may have been Princess Diana swimming!

This week Private Eye Magazine provides a shocking new insight into the death of Diana, Princess of Wales and Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. It reports that “the so-called ‘trunk’ [photo] was, in fact, our beloved Diana’s arm, as she waved desperately to people on the shore, trying to attract their attention before she was kidnapped by the Duke of Edinburgh’s personal submarine”. 

If this is true then it clears up two of the world’s greatest mysteries in one go and Private Eye is to be congratulated for a superb piece of investigative journalism.

Loch Ness Monster to be drowned in government’s sewage

Yes folks, it’s official. SEPA, The Scottish Environmental Protection Agency (ha ha), has given permission to its sister quango Historic Scotland to dump massive amounts of raw sewage into Loch Ness from its hideous visitor centre and restaurant extravaganza at Urquhart Castle.

Locals have already seen human waste floating near Urquhart Bay so now we can expect to see and smell a lot more horrors in this sensitive beauty spot as the government defecate on our environment for simple greed. Together with many others we campaigned to get this sewage crime stopped but our views were ignored as the area’s local unelected quangos gave each other the necessary nods and winks.

It doesn’t bode well for the campaign to stop mega pylons running over Scotland but there is a council meeting on this one next month and we’ll keep you posted.

Loch Ness Monster faces threat from French flu slaughter

Worrying times for Nessie the Loch Ness Monster as avian H5N1 flu lands a few short miles away in France. Today we hear that they are butchering tens of

No Raw Chickens in Loch Ness
No Raw Chickens in Loch Ness

thousands of turkeys and yet no official action has been taken to stop visitors to Loch Ness throwing their unwanted chicken take-ways into the water or the much more serious problem of egg-baiting and raw chicken tossing that the area experiences (see previous blog entries below).

We call on the authorities here to impose a ban on these activities to preserve human health and to save Nessie’s life.

Scientific fact: An old dinosaur would be very vulnerable to flu from its close relatives alive today – the birds.

White witch petitions the queen to protect Loch Ness Monster

Nessie the Loch Ness Monster has been besieged lately by various hunters intent on blowing her out of the water, harpooning her or poisoning her home. To help her out, High Priest of White witches, Kevin Carlyon, has petitioned the queen and Tony Blair. You can read more about this gallant plan in The Press and Journal here.