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Tourism in the Loch Ness area has plummeted sparking fear and outrage that the comprehensive attempt to debunk the existence of Nessie, its famous resident may be partly to blame. The BBC has discovered the slump.

Speaking exclusively to us from his scientific compound, Professor Kettle said, “I have been warning about the likely damage to our fragile rural economy – which is heavily dependant on tourism – by local and outside debunkers. Often these are people who seem embittered by the successes of research projects such as mine and their own inability to find definitive proof. People visiting the area should save their money by visiting the loch themselves, rather than having it “interpreted” for them in some expensive facility”.

Young Dr. Pott also added his view that it was time for the increasingly pointless “old timers” to step aside and let people with a less jaded and more positive approach to hunting for Nessie the Loch Ness Monster and other cryptids and cryptozoological beasts to enhance the area’s appeal.

“Families don’t travel here from other parts of the UK and beyond to see dusty old exhibits about plankton and microbes. They come for Nessie and it’s time The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board wakes up and smells the coffee. Clapped out ideas and old rubbish abound here and aren’t up to scratch.”

The Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

We were delighted to meet with representatives of Japanese TV’s premier channel, NHK, who requested a meeting to discuss our world leading research into Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.

We welcome many visitors from Japan and send all NHK’s viewers a big “Hello from Loch Ness, Scotland. Come and see us Live!“

Terrifying sandstorms have battered The Moray Firth and Loch Ness region burying rural roads and communities. Chaotic scenes in Inverness Airport, which was engulfed by a desert storm leaving the bewildered and horror struck holidaymakers trapped within.

“I’ve never seen anything like this”, Professor Kettle of the Research Loch Ness Monster project told us. “Our boat and research facilities have suffered terrible damage.”

Council crews are literally using their bare hands in addition to power diggers and hastily converted snow blowers to get deep sand drifts off the critical rural roads and train lines. “It’s sheer mayhem here” added Kettle.

A group of sad of old men – including some self proclaimed Loch Ness experts – are reported to be celebrating 80 years of failure to find Nessie the Loch Ness Monster. Many bearded old debunkers were already in their twenties when there was a good sighting of the monster (in the 1930s) as it walked across the road. Help The Aged were unavailable for comment at the time of going to press but we understand from other sources that they drank a lot and then declared they had never seen anything in the water or, in fact, ever managed anything of any consequence other than to unfailing seek to publicise themselves.

Tourists continue to flock to Loch Ness to see Nessie the monster for themselves and also use our excellent live cams to hunt for her 24/7/365 from around the world. Top world acclaimed Loch Ness Monster researcher Professor Kettle suggests they save their money by avoiding tartan tat exhibitions as well as places that seek to debunk Nessie and detract from the legend.

“It’s much better to take your lunch to the loch side and look for Nessie than to spend money on old and outdated silly presentations”, said Professor Kettle MdiPLN PHtFG UHtygT.

A hair brained scheme to repair the Kessock Bridge, which links Inverness to the Black Isle across the Moray Firth, has resulted in short journeys taking hours rather than minutes.

Traffic lights have been strung up like confetti around the bridge and are totally out of phase with the rest of the city (in fact, all the traffic lights in Inverness are a mess).

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press but there are real fears that visitors to see Nessie, the Loch Ness monster, will be affected.

“These traffic lights are a disgrace and will harm my Loch Ness research project” said Professor Kettle. “We want the Kessock Bridge replaced with a tunnel because that is the best way to ensure the Loch Ness Monster is not disturbed. Nessie is a protected species and this is just not good enough”.

The Dalai Lama made a rare appearance at Eden Court in Inverness today. He was greeted by thousands of well wishers and expressed his own wish to see Loch Ness. Nessie, the monster did not attend events today as she is resting before the holiday season.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.

Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been shocked to learn that the NASA Moon Landings are, in fact, a complete hoax. Professor Kettle, speaking from his Loch Ness research project said, “the evidence is all presented here. It is overwhelming”.

Loch Ness Monster hunters and cryptozoology experts are happy to know they can continue to search for the real monster in Scotland at The Officially Original Loch Ness LiveCams, courtesy of the Nessie on the Net! website.

The research team at Loch Ness has discovered new bottom feeders in Loch Ness. The tiny microbes ingest sulphuric acid released from the thermal vents formed by the active Great Glen fault line.

“We are absolutely stunned by our new findings”, Professor Kettle told waiting reporters outside his Loch Ness Research project facility. “My colleague Dr. Pott will be taking further readings but it is clear that the microbes here are very similar to those found in South American volcanoes and surely proves beyond reasonable doubt that life exists on other moons and planets.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.

 

The Olympic torch (or, whichever one is fabled to be alight at any precise moment – apparently the “mother ship” aka an old Transit van bringing up the rearguard relights it when it goes out) arrived and left Loch Ness to little interest. Certainly Nessie, the famous monster, was nowhere to be seen having very sensibly chosen to stay at home well beneath the waves on the day.

UK citizens have been very upset that the games now represent little more than the worst aspects of over-the-top commercial sponsorship with global mega-companies (some of which don’t spring to mind as obvious “healthy” lifestyle choices) taking over everything to the exclusion of everyone else.

The used torches are also for sale to the bearers at a small price and it has widely been reported that some are turning up in online auctions across the UK for outrageous prices. It all makes the whole sorry spectacle leaving an even more sour taste.

Well, the good news is that the circus has now left town and serious Loch Ness researchers like Professor Kettle can settle down and get on with the important work of cryptozoological research.