“Drones, and a hydrophone were going to be used in our attempt to find Nessie this weekend”, Professor Kettle told this Blog. “Unfortunately the weather has been appalling with fog and mist reducing visibility to a few yards and the amount of rain has completely wrecked our world-leading hydrophone deployment”
Professor Kettle was intending to use this weekend as the latest large scale scientific quest to find Nessie but the world famous crytozoological creature does, for now, remain as elusive as ever.
The world has held its breath as the USA and other Super Powers edge towards conflict over spy balloons and octagonal shaped UFOs (Unidentified Flying Objects) that were seen over nuclear missile silos and Canada.
In a shock new development locals have reported seeing RAF Vulcan Bomber apparently engage and destroy a possibly red coloured balloon over Loch Ness.
A member of the local silent majority, who did not want to be named told us, “I was sleeping in my favourite chair with Channel 4’s Countdown blaring away on the TV. Suddenly my house shook as a super sonic jet screamed through the sky heading towards the loch. I got my binoculars out and saw a balloon deflated, plummeting towards the water”.
Professor Kettle was also out on his Loch Ness Research Project boat taking hydrophone recordings at the beginning of Nessie’s mating season. He expressed concern that the noise would unsettle the famous monster.
“I really want to protest about jets taking down balloons over Loch Ness. We know there is a problem with tourists launching lanterns over the loch but I am assured by the Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board that they have it under control. We don’t need military action in this scientifically sensitive site.”
The balloon is one of many UFOs seen at Loch Ness every year as it is believed to be part of an energy line including the Bermuda Triangle.
Professor Kettle also pointed out that there are suggestions in the American media that the US air force may have spent $1 million shooting down a toy balloon. “The Northern Illinois Bottlecap Balloon Brigade reports that one of its $12 balloons vanished 11th February. This was about the same time President Biden ordered a jet fighter to shoot down a mystery object over Canada’s Yukon Territory”. (You can read more about this in The New York Post).
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.
Scientists at the UK Health Security Agency (UKHSA) are now probing the Thames estuary for mosquitoes and their larvae in a desperate attempt to thwart the spread of a mutant super-strain of the mosquito borne disease.
Speaking to us from his Loch Ness Research Project, Professor Kettle said, “The real worry for us in the Highlands of Scotland and Loch Ness is that climate change has warmed us up and may bring the pox with it. We have very large mosquitoes and if they cross-breed with our midges, it could be armageddon”.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment but has issued a watching brief to the professor. “Malaria was endemic in England until the end of the 1800s and we are also on notice from the world health organisations to be on the look out for deadly West Nile Virus.”
Everyone must take precautions and be constantly aware of the hazards all around us. It is not thought that Nessie is at risk from either virus.
The UK has been hit by a virulent strain of Avian (bird) flu and the government has ordered all chickens and turkeys to be locked indoors and massive numbers slaughtered to control the pandemic.
Piles of dead sea birds like gannets lie on Scottish beaches and now Dr. Pott of the Loch Ness Scientific Research Project has warned tourists to stop throwing dead chicken carcasses into Loch Ness. “Even a carton that had chicken nuggets or a sandwich wrapper could carry viruses that kill birds and raptor-related creatures like Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster”.
These were happier times before global catastrophes and woe filled the news everyday. Drumnadrochit was a siple little village with simple pleasures like hunting for Nessie, a pastime enjoyed by many locals and visitors alike.
Of course lengthy monster hunting meant that a state-of-the-art public convenience (WC or toilet) was required and so an award winning brutalist masterpiece was created that rivalled the old supermarket. You can see the attention to detail and the careful maintenance that kept this cherished building flush with success for so long.
Sometimes queues of people formed between the loo and the bus stop as people were eager to try out its comfy environs. But alas, eventually it’s time passed and the thunder box was demolished with a small ceremony but lives on in village folklore. It was a Loch Ness Monster, worthy of the name.
The race is on to try and DNA map newly emerged ancient viral strains from bottom coring at Loch Ness.
“I have been worried that vigorous coring and reaming of the loch’s bottom could provide a route for viral agents that have long since disappeared from earth’s biosphere to resurface”, Professor Kettle told this blog. “If we can’t identify and neutralise these things then Covid 19 Coronavirus might look like a walk in the park”.
Some of the mutations discovered have now been taken to the US Centre for Extreme Toxins, close to the site of the Manhattan Project. Here they will be sealed into a glass and concrete bio containment lad 400 metres beneath the desert. Robot analysers will be used to identify and index the viruses. If a leak occurs, these mutations are considered so dangerous that a small nuclear weapon will detonate, completely destroying the laboratory and its contents. Safety is now the number one priority after Covid and Ebola have wreaked so much havoc.
“We’re taking every precaution as some of the life forms beneath Loch Ness have proved very dangerous”.
Now he is appearing before the High Court in Glasgow and a jury is considering the evidence.
Kim Avis or Kem Vincent (he appears to have many aliases) is a former street busker and peddler who frequented the Inverness High Street. He is alleged to have raped several women and an attempted rape of a 12 year old girl. He is additionally charged with sexually assaulting an 11 year old girl. He initially fled Scotland as a fugitive to the USA where the US Marshalls hunted him down and returned him to jail (on remand) in Glasgow.
Early evidence from one woman at the trial included her description of how he is alleged to have forced her to watch in a mirror as he raped her. The trial continues.
It is the news many locals have been dreading ever since the supermarket moved to new premises – the beautiful 1960s building it used to occupy has been dubbed “an eyesore” and will now be demolished.
A spokesperson for The Silent Majority said, “we’re gutted. This old shop has been a real focal point in the village and attracted architectural students from around the world. We even had an offer to Twin it with some fortified military bunkers in The Lebanon, which share a lot of its style and features. Now it’s going to be pulled down in scenes reminiscent of the old village public toilet that was cruelly demolished without ceremony and is now all but forgotten.”
Many Loch Ness Research projects and expeditions have used the fish and chip shop that was also located in the much loved monstrous carbuncle and all of that history will now be lost as well. Professor Kettle said, “it’s just so sad. This building oozes history and it’s loss will be felt right across the Loch Ness and cryptozoological community. I had hoped that a rich investor would step in and save the building but that now looks unlikely”.
A local chief said, “we have some plans to make a permanent photographic exhibition of the old shop in the new village car park but it’s all in the early stages at the moment and we would have previously sought funding from The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board (HOST) but they’ve got their own problems now”.
There have been rumours that a lottery is to be held with top prize consisting of the right to press the button on the charges used to raze the carbuncle to the ground. “It’s in the cards but there is still a lot of disagreement about if it’s appropriate and who would get the charity money. One idea is to award it to The Bewildered Trust For Confused Marine Animals or to the UN Yeti Relief Fund (UNYRF).