The Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Blog

by Mikko on Wed 28 Apr 2010 09:28 BST

The latest list of sightings of the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, have been declassified and placed online here.

World leading cryptozoologist Professor Kettle commented, “this latest information confirms that sightings are markedly down since Kevin Carlyon, High Priest of British White Witches, visited the loch and placed a spell protecting Nessie from people out to get her.”

“We haven’t got the resources available to analyse Kevin’s impact but we are definitely aware of a more elusive monster in these waters”.

A member of the British Institute of Cryptozoology and Advanced Pseudo Sciences was unavailable for comment.

by Mikko on Sun 25 Apr 2010 09:38 BST

Massive filtration units have been working flat out at Loch Ness to clear the water of dangerous volcanic ash swept in from Iceland.

Dr. Pott explained that the surface scum caused by ash particles binding together could possibly suffocate fish and other aquatic life including the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.

Dr. Pott said, “we have been very lucky that a firm in Kazakhstan could provide the huge filters. They are each the size of a double decker bus and had to be air lifted to Inverness airport on board the world’s only Antonov An-225 cargo super plane. It caused some consternation as it circled over Loch Ness and Inverness – nobody here has ever seen such a huge monster in the sky! For awhile it looked like we’d have to ask the people in Rovaniemi (in Finnish Lapland) how they temporarily extended the runway over there each Christmas to allow the now retired Concorde to land. Each year thousands of people flock there to see Father Christmas and they have unrivalled experience with special flights in adverse conditions”.

The filters have already been running for several days. Each one contains a small nuclear reactor, similar to those used to power some Russian Navy ships and submarines. Professor Kettle moved to calm fears of radioactive pollution in the loch: “We keep the filters closely monitored and radiation cannot leak into the loch. In any event, radiation is already to be found in the silts at the bottom dating back to air borne contamination that swept over the area after the Chernobyl disaster in 1986.”

Many students of cryptozoology are convinced that Nessie may in fact be a mutation caused by the unusual radioactive isotopes that are found in the rock beneath the loch and it is thought possible that the accumulated radiation and pollution since 1986 may have caused the monster(s) to grow even larger.

Dr Kettle mused, “this is the first time we have knowingly introduced large scale radioactive equipment into Loch Ness since Operation Pangea was developed in 1954 to test the potential of using hydrogen bombs to generate earthquakes.”

by Mikko on Fri 23 Apr 2010 22:13 BST

This is the scene (click the attachments link below) that greets visitors and cryptozoologists as they drive to Loch Ness from Inverness. It’s the first lay by that gives a view of the water but it’s all be fenced off because it’s collapsing into the water.

Professor Kettle lashed out from his Loch Ness project: “We need this lay by to be re-opened and re-opened fast so that we get the best possible chance of spotting the unknown monster (or cryptid) living in Loch Ness”.

by Mikko on Thu 22 Apr 2010 18:52 BST

The Loch Ness Monster was said to be massively relieved as UK airspace finally reopened allowing visitors to come and see her from around the world.

Europe and the rest of the world have been isolated for nearly a week as the volcanic cloud of ash from Iceland spread its veil across this sceptred isle.

Air passengers should still check with their airline and departure airports as there is a huge backlog of people waiting to travel.

The world of cryptozoology also celebrated the re-opening. Dr Pott spoke spoke from his Loch Ness project site and said how glad he was that the search for the cryptid was back on. “Professor Kettle and I have managed to carry out some further research but now several key colleagues will be able to join us and we will be able to airlift much needed specialist equipment into key survey sites”.

He added, “if the second volcano blows its stack then all bets are off but in the meantime we are going flat out to find that monster”.

by Mikko on Tue 20 Apr 2010 09:30 BST

Six days later and Europe is still isolated as British airspace remains closed.

Yes, six days on and Loch Ness is still locked within the UK no fly zone. Limited flights have taken off from Glasgow and Edinburgh but most of the country, including London, remains tightly closed.

“The fear now is that a second bigger volcano will blow”, said eminent cryptozoologist Professor Kettle, “if it goes – and it always has before – then we could see cryptozoology seriously damaged and the hunt for Nessie, the cryptid will likewise suffer”.

The professor has been waiting to launch a group of small planes equipped with the latest air borne sonar equipment developed by NASA but has been refused permission to fly by the authorities. Visibly distressed he said, “this is a disaster because we were lent this fantastic equipment for a short period which has now expired. It might have been the moment we conclusively proved to the whole world that the Loch Ness Monster actually exists and now that moment has gone”.

The Scottish Tourist board was unavailable for comment but is understood to be concerned that hundreds of thousands of visitors maybe stranded as the travel chaos continues.

Anybody trying to reach Scotland or other parts of the UK should check with their airline and departure airport as things are so bad now that the BBC reports that the British Navy is rescuing Brits from France and Spain – many starving and suffering extreme trauma. A sailor on board HMS Ark Royal said, “these people have been in France and Spain for a week more than they planned. They are in a very sorry state and in need of urgent medical attention and psychiatric counselling after their gruelling and horrific time abroad”.

by Mikko on Sun 18 Apr 2010 09:50 BST

Professor Kettle had been hoping to reveal his plans for cheap and plentiful energy last week but the continued grounding of all flights in the United Kingdom has scuppered his timetable.

Speaking from his Loch Ness project, world expert in cryptozoology Professor Kettle said, “I have been looking for the unknown cryptid Nessie the Loch Ness Monster for twenty years and a lot has changed around here. One of the developments is wind power and a large number of turbines have sprung up all around Loch Ness with even more planned. They are ugly eyesores and totally inefficient when placed on land. During the long cold winter we had no wind – so they generated no power. Useless”.

He continued, “I have designed a new system whereby every passenger plane in the world will be fitted with a windmill that will generate fantastic amounts of electricity as the plane zooms along at over 500 mph (800 km/h). The energy will be stored in on board fuel cells and pushed into the national grid when the plane lands.”

He believes the volcano driven Europe wide grounding of aircraft is a temporary problem and that a prototype of his plan will be in operation later this year. “I am very excited by the development which will mean cheap energy for everyone and also make me extremely rich”.

In the meantime Professor Kettle continues his visual, sonar and hydrophone hunt for the world’s most elusive creature.

Update: Day four of the Icelandic volcano sees UK, Loch Ness and European flights grounded. Weather experts predict that there are unlikely to be any flights all week.

by Mikko on Sat 17 Apr 2010 09:37 BST

Highly abrasive ash from Iceland’s Eyjafjallajokull (ay-yah-FYAH’-plah-yer-kuh-duhl) volcano has closed airspace over Loch Ness, the rest of the United Kingdom and much of Europe and Scandinavia for a third day. Reports say this could go on well into next week so if you have travel plans it looks like you are well and truly stuck. Travellers should take a lot of food and sleeping bags to the airports and prepare for a long spell of uncertain and dreary misery.

The ash cloud has descended to a few thousand feet above sea level and any exposure to it can cause a jet engine to fail catastrophically sending the plane plummeting to the ground with all on board.

Cryptozoologist Professor Kettle, based at his Loch Ness project, is characteristically sanguine: “this could be worse. We can safely put boats and probes out on the water and a few of my international colleagues have managed to arrive on the twelve hour coach ride from London”.

Dr Pott also welcomed the opportunities for cryptid hunting provided by the silent sky: “normally our advanced hydrophone arrays suffer terribly from the whoosh of RAF fighter planes on test flights over Loch Ness and even the Flybe and Easyjet planes travelling to and from Inverness can clearly be heard within the loch. Cryptozoology reies on sensitive equipment and measurements so this is a rare opportunity to listen for Nessie, the Loch Ness monster, within a comparatively silent loch.

by Mikko on Fri 16 Apr 2010 09:30 BST

UK airspace remains closed until Saturday at the earliest due to the volcano in Iceland which is still erupting. So if you are travelling to or from the Scottish Highlands (to see Nessie, the cryptid Loch Ness Monster) then unfortunately you are stuck. Effectively Europe and the rest of the world now remains isolated from Britain.

People are advised to check with their airline and the the BBC News website.

Professor Kettle reports serious problems with cryptozoology. “Many colleagues were due to arrive here from overseas to help with our research project and all of that is on hold. We are also very worried that the ash falling from the skies is highly acidic and may harm the aquatic life including Nessie”.

“People from the Shetland Isles are already reporting volcanic ash from the eruption in their mouths and lungs and a sulphur smell in the air so we are expecting trouble soon”, he added.

Dr Pott is concerned that the long dormant super volcano beneath Loch Ness could now erupt. “We are monitoring the seismographs very closely because if this volcano erupts it will blow apart half of the Highlands and could create a twenty year winter across the northern hemisphere triggering a new Ice Age”.

by Mikko on Thu 15 Apr 2010 10:29 BST

UK Air Traffic Control has announced that UK air space will be closed to all flights from 12 noon (GMT) 15th April until further notice. No planes will be allowed to take off within the UK or to enter UK air space due to the massive volcanic eruption in Iceland.

If you are flying to or from the UK, including the Loch Ness area you are strongly advised to check with your airline and your airport.

Cryptozoological research in Nessie, the elusive cryptid here, is suspended until the ash alert clears. Keep watching here for further updates.

UK airspace closure news atL: http://news.bbc.co.uk/