The Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Blog
– insights from Mikko, probably the world's leading cryptozoologist and Nessie expert
The new train’s rolling stock has been beset by problems with reports of brake fails, dodgy plumbing and cold or hot rooms with poor showers and uncomfortable beds. Tickets cost up to £400 (approx $450) for a London – Inverness return ticket (you can fly for as little as £15 each way!!!)
All-in-all I think it sounds dreadful. We’ll see what mess happens next.
We’re no sure what is happening around Loch Ness but there have been a number of people in bio hazard suits seen taking samples around the area. When approached these people mumble “national security” and refuse to answer any questions. It is known that a lot of visitors have been using surrounding woodlands as toilet areas, particularly since Highland Council introduced a 50p charge for village toilets in Drumnadrochit.
The catastrophe follows a period a few years ago in which thousands of tourists and others were seen throwing dead chickens into the loch. There was widespread concern at the time that Avian Flue could kill Nessie as dinosaurs are known to be the ancestors of today’s birds.
Fortunately the chicken craze has dwindled but now something more deadly may be in the water or surrounding areas. We have managed to gain some insight since an anonymous whistle blower contacted Professor Kettle of The Loch Ness Research Project. He said, “we have found a virus and are evaluating its danger to the public. It is believed to have accidentally been released from a research laboratory and travelled to the Loch Ness area on board a Caledonian Canal barge carrying a scientist on holiday”.
“I can’t say more at the moment as this very worrying and matters are progressing fast. People do need to wash their hands regularly”.
Nobody from the Local Contingencies Commission was available for comment at time of going to press.
Locals often engage in the hilarious “spot the provost in her chain” game in Inverness. The particular councilor sometimes seems to try and get half a dozen photos of herself in various poises in the same edition of the local paper. It is a bit like watching the joker mayor in the film “Carry on Girls”, only in his case the hapless guy in the chain-of-office got photo’d every time his trousers fell down.
Now an anonymous American donor is rumoured to be considering buying a full size copy chain-of-office to give to the self styled first lady of the town so that she can wear it after she loses election (hopefully as soon as possible since Highland Council is a ramshackle shambles) or retires. That way she can continue to wear it pretty much all the time, just like she appears to now.
If you spot Inverness provost in her chain doing the shopping at her local supermarket, don’t laugh. Apparent vanity is a debilitating condition and we hope she gets better soon.
In separate developments a Highland Councilor has quit the shambolic local authority stating it is now just “the mad, the bad, and the sad” . Well done , Inverness Councillor Richard Laird – we couldn’t agree more. Read it all here.
We’re always suspicious of claims made for this and that but if you’re setting off on a hike, ride, boating or climbing around Loch Ness (or anywhere else in the world) then please consider loading up “What 3 Words” App onto your phone.
It is genius (and free!). The boffins have split the world into trillions of tiny squares and the App changes your complicated latitude and longitude into a unique combination of three words, which you can give to anybody – including the emergency services – who need to find *exactly* where you are. Even the police are urging folk to use it.
We use it, give it a try – and read more about it on the BBC.
Many tourists arrive in Inverness by coach and might be a bit shocked about Daily Mail reports that The Pizza Hut had its boxes stacked in a toilet.
Locals were stunned today as a large mountain rescue helicopter hovered above a Loch Ness mountain and a member of crew winched down to rescue and unidentified individual.
“I was searching the area for evidence that Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, had recently traveled through it”, Loch Ness Research Project Leader Professor Kettle said. “Suddenly this helicopter was very close and we realised something very bad had happened”.
It is unclear what took place but the government has never denied local information that the site is regularly used for secret purposes like the Plague Islands that lie off the Hebrides.
From time to time, strange night lights and radio waves are detectable at this Area51 zone by Loch Ness.
There have been many officially logged UFO reports by locals and visitors to Inveness, Drumnadrochit and Foyers.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.
We had the 2018 Beast from the East but now climatologists from University Of London are warning that the “coldest longest winter for three decades is coming to Scotland.” Our own live weather data is here.
This could be a nightmare scenario as politicians have wasted £billions on mega wind farms that have completely blighted the once pristine Highlands and kill wildlife include rare eagles.
To add insult to injury the turbines sit idle when there is no wind (often the coldest iciest still days) or the shut down when it is too strong (cold winter days). So the UK including Scotland fall back on imported gas and coal plus nuclear generated power from France via the English Channel Interconnector.
The roads are already in a shocking state and healthcare and schools are forecast not to be able to cope.
Read the full shocking story here.
A new App has been launched in the Highlands today to track killer tick bites. These terrifying critters stalk the shores of Loch Ness and the Highlands of Scotland and some of them carry the debilitating Lyme Disease. So far, tick borne encephalitis has not been recorded in a human in the area – just as well as it is widespread in other parts of the world and can be fatal (there is no cure).
The new App will hopefully help fight against Lyme Disease and prevent the deadlier virus ever entering Scotland. Search for LymeApp on your mobile device to download the free tool.
If you suspect yo have an infected tick bite you should see a doctor without delay.
Inverness Councillor Ron MacWilliam has been spearheading The People’s Rebellion against Highland Council’s ludicrous and profligate wastage of public funds (£300,000 so far – and nothing has even been constructed yet!)
Now MacWilliam has reportedly been summoned for a dressing down and told to personally attend to apologise to the Highland Council bosses angry at his defiance of their diktats and refusal to be “muzzled”.
He was on the front page of The Inverness Courier this week and both he and fellow champions against The Wall have used The Freedom of Information Act to successfully crowbar the numbers showing true scale of the waste of public money out of the council (already spent and gone) because it is determined to build Inverness’s very own Cold War Era Berlin Wall alongside the (currently) beautiful River Ness. Photo it now folks, soon it will be a concrete catastrophe.
Many of us believe this is a disgusting waste of money by a local authority that is currently chopping and cutting every budget including elderly and vulnerable persons’ care and even charging 50p for use of toilets. But of course The River Ness Mess is a Vanity Project and nothing pushes big wigs’ buttons like the thought of a “legacy” – in this case a massive erection in the so called city centre, whatever the cost and loss to its citizens and the environment. What a way to literally pour The Common Good Fund into the sea. The councillors and officers behind it owe the people of Inverness and the Highlands an apology and should hang their heads in shame, while also cancelling this River Ness Mess.
We are proudly one hundred percent behind Councilor Ron MacWilliam and the group fighting this disaster. The council’s River Ness Mess is not art, it’s a blot on the landscape that will harm fragile wildlife and the environment and be nothing more than another litter and graffiti strewn cesspit for druggies and winos – and Inverness already has those in spades.
After Environmental Health officials posted official warning about swimming or consuming dangerous toxic water from Loch Watten, fears have spread that Loch Ness may soon be at risk too.
Professor Kettle of The Loch Ness Internet Research Project said, “this type of algal infestation is something we constantly guard against. It’s nasty and it’s dangerous and could pose a serious risk to locals, visitors and Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster”.
The official warning is available online.