Author: blogmaster55

by Mikko on Sun 06 Jun 2010 15:04 BST

Never since the late and unlamented Publican Party took over a large mobile model of our beloved Nessie and trundled it around Loch Ness with a large mocked up cigarette hanging out of its mouth has the Loch Ness Monster ever been so challenged by ash.

On that occasion the pub landlords concerned were seeking votes in a general election to overturn the Scotland -wide ban on smoking in public places. Needless to say their humiliation of Nessie probably helped to ensure they got so few votes that they lost their electoral deposit and they have never been heard from since!

This time it’s volcanic ash from Iceland that’s been threatening to asphyxiate the rare cryptozoological creature (cryptid). It has fallen heavily across the loch creating a kind of sulphur based scum that blocks out light and air. It’s also played havoc with a lot of delicate research equipment that is used to study Nessie and many other rare creatures that dwell deep beneath the water.

Professor Kettle spoke of his grave fears that Nessie would finally be killed:

“We have been working day and night to skim the ash off the water using a flotilla of small boats and large quantities of sphagnum moss, which is plentiful here. This is rolled into tight tubes and tied with netting and then dragged across the loch behind the boats”.

He went on to describe the challenge to local teams of volunteers: “Although we had some twenty five boats we had to cover an area of about 33 square miles and it’s taken two weeks of work around the clock”.

Now the job is finally complete and the water is clean once again. A local fisherman gave his thanks to the team. “I think what they have done is wonderful and I know I speak on behalf of the silent majority when I say that it means a great deal to us to know our monster is safe and we can fish again”.

The fear is that a second volcano five times larger than the first will explode soon – it usually follows the smaller one within a year or two. But Dr. Pott says his team will do more research and perfect their clean-up methods. “Unlike BP in the Gulf of Mexico we intend to be fully prepared for a large scale disaster over here”.

by Mikko on Thu 20 May 2010 08:19 BST

Good news! Volcanic Ash Clears From Loch Ness air space so you can come and see Nessie the monster again!

by Mikko on Sat 15 May 2010 19:09 BST

In a plan that looks similar to one being used by oil companies in the Gulf of Mexico, a massive metal “top hat” is being built by oil yard specialists in the Highlands of Scotland to seal off a new and worrying volcanic plume.

Dr. Pott said, “the situation is difficult and dangerous as this lava and sulphur outflow is 750 feet beneath the loch’s pitch black water. If left unchecked it could create millions of litres of sulphuric acid with the potential for wiping out salmon, catfish, eels and of course the world famous cryptid, Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.”

Other cryptozoological specialists are equally concerned. Professor Kettle warned that the mission was probably a “one off chance to avert disaster”.

Loch Ness has very acidic and dark water due to the massive amount of peat that is washed in from thousands of streams and rivers and cryptozoologists believe that this makes it especially vulnerable to environmental damage.

A specialised ship with enormous lifting gear and submersible robot submarines has been chartered to drop the steel top hat onto the volcanic plume, which will then be covered with over a million tonnes of rock dynamited from the underwater cliffs.

by Mikko on Thu 29 Apr 2010 08:41 BST

In an astonishing attack from his Loch Ness project head quarters, Professor Kettle lashed out at the new wave of beards “engulfing” Loch Ness. “I want to make it quite clear that I do not have a beard and I never intend to have one. I am a serious academic involved in the ongoing search for the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster and beards are simply appalling”.

Cryptozoology was shaken by the revelation that one of its greatest experts had finally come down against beards and other experts were keen to give their pseudo scientific opinion. Dr Pott said, “Frankly I am surprised. I know that Kettle has been under a lot of pressure since we lost our opportunity to place hydrophones into Loch Ness and to deep scan for the sounds of a monster (due to the closure of British airspace earlier this month) but this is a worrying development.” He added, “it’s possible that Gordon Brown’s “bigot” encounter with Gillian pushed him over the edge”.

However, history may be on Kettle’s side again. “It is clear that men and women with beards tend to have low IQs as well as a lack of personal hygiene” said a source close to the EU Commission on British Fish Recycling.

The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.

by Mikko on Sun 25 Apr 2010 09:38 BST

Massive filtration units have been working flat out at Loch Ness to clear the water of dangerous volcanic ash swept in from Iceland.

Dr. Pott explained that the surface scum caused by ash particles binding together could possibly suffocate fish and other aquatic life including the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.

Dr. Pott said, “we have been very lucky that a firm in Kazakhstan could provide the huge filters. They are each the size of a double decker bus and had to be air lifted to Inverness airport on board the world’s only Antonov An-225 cargo super plane. It caused some consternation as it circled over Loch Ness and Inverness – nobody here has ever seen such a huge monster in the sky! For awhile it looked like we’d have to ask the people in Rovaniemi (in Finnish Lapland) how they temporarily extended the runway over there each Christmas to allow the now retired Concorde to land. Each year thousands of people flock there to see Father Christmas and they have unrivalled experience with special flights in adverse conditions”.

The filters have already been running for several days. Each one contains a small nuclear reactor, similar to those used to power some Russian Navy ships and submarines. Professor Kettle moved to calm fears of radioactive pollution in the loch: “We keep the filters closely monitored and radiation cannot leak into the loch. In any event, radiation is already to be found in the silts at the bottom dating back to air borne contamination that swept over the area after the Chernobyl disaster in 1986.”

Many students of cryptozoology are convinced that Nessie may in fact be a mutation caused by the unusual radioactive isotopes that are found in the rock beneath the loch and it is thought possible that the accumulated radiation and pollution since 1986 may have caused the monster(s) to grow even larger.

Dr Kettle mused, “this is the first time we have knowingly introduced large scale radioactive equipment into Loch Ness since Operation Pangea was developed in 1954 to test the potential of using hydrogen bombs to generate earthquakes.”

by Mikko on Thu 22 Apr 2010 18:52 BST

The Loch Ness Monster was said to be massively relieved as UK airspace finally reopened allowing visitors to come and see her from around the world.

Europe and the rest of the world have been isolated for nearly a week as the volcanic cloud of ash from Iceland spread its veil across this sceptred isle.

Air passengers should still check with their airline and departure airports as there is a huge backlog of people waiting to travel.

The world of cryptozoology also celebrated the re-opening. Dr Pott spoke spoke from his Loch Ness project site and said how glad he was that the search for the cryptid was back on. “Professor Kettle and I have managed to carry out some further research but now several key colleagues will be able to join us and we will be able to airlift much needed specialist equipment into key survey sites”.

He added, “if the second volcano blows its stack then all bets are off but in the meantime we are going flat out to find that monster”.

by Mikko on Sun 18 Apr 2010 09:50 BST

Professor Kettle had been hoping to reveal his plans for cheap and plentiful energy last week but the continued grounding of all flights in the United Kingdom has scuppered his timetable.

Speaking from his Loch Ness project, world expert in cryptozoology Professor Kettle said, “I have been looking for the unknown cryptid Nessie the Loch Ness Monster for twenty years and a lot has changed around here. One of the developments is wind power and a large number of turbines have sprung up all around Loch Ness with even more planned. They are ugly eyesores and totally inefficient when placed on land. During the long cold winter we had no wind – so they generated no power. Useless”.

He continued, “I have designed a new system whereby every passenger plane in the world will be fitted with a windmill that will generate fantastic amounts of electricity as the plane zooms along at over 500 mph (800 km/h). The energy will be stored in on board fuel cells and pushed into the national grid when the plane lands.”

He believes the volcano driven Europe wide grounding of aircraft is a temporary problem and that a prototype of his plan will be in operation later this year. “I am very excited by the development which will mean cheap energy for everyone and also make me extremely rich”.

In the meantime Professor Kettle continues his visual, sonar and hydrophone hunt for the world’s most elusive creature.

Update: Day four of the Icelandic volcano sees UK, Loch Ness and European flights grounded. Weather experts predict that there are unlikely to be any flights all week.

by Mikko on Fri 16 Apr 2010 09:30 BST

UK airspace remains closed until Saturday at the earliest due to the volcano in Iceland which is still erupting. So if you are travelling to or from the Scottish Highlands (to see Nessie, the cryptid Loch Ness Monster) then unfortunately you are stuck. Effectively Europe and the rest of the world now remains isolated from Britain.

People are advised to check with their airline and the the BBC News website.

Professor Kettle reports serious problems with cryptozoology. “Many colleagues were due to arrive here from overseas to help with our research project and all of that is on hold. We are also very worried that the ash falling from the skies is highly acidic and may harm the aquatic life including Nessie”.

“People from the Shetland Isles are already reporting volcanic ash from the eruption in their mouths and lungs and a sulphur smell in the air so we are expecting trouble soon”, he added.

Dr Pott is concerned that the long dormant super volcano beneath Loch Ness could now erupt. “We are monitoring the seismographs very closely because if this volcano erupts it will blow apart half of the Highlands and could create a twenty year winter across the northern hemisphere triggering a new Ice Age”.