Loch Ness slowly cleared of Icelandic volcanic ash

by Mikko on Sun 25 Apr 2010 09:38 BST

Massive filtration units have been working flat out at Loch Ness to clear the water of dangerous volcanic ash swept in from Iceland.

Dr. Pott explained that the surface scum caused by ash particles binding together could possibly suffocate fish and other aquatic life including the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.

Dr. Pott said, “we have been very lucky that a firm in Kazakhstan could provide the huge filters. They are each the size of a double decker bus and had to be air lifted to Inverness airport on board the world’s only Antonov An-225 cargo super plane. It caused some consternation as it circled over Loch Ness and Inverness – nobody here has ever seen such a huge monster in the sky! For awhile it looked like we’d have to ask the people in Rovaniemi (in Finnish Lapland) how they temporarily extended the runway over there each Christmas to allow the now retired Concorde to land. Each year thousands of people flock there to see Father Christmas and they have unrivalled experience with special flights in adverse conditions”.

The filters have already been running for several days. Each one contains a small nuclear reactor, similar to those used to power some Russian Navy ships and submarines. Professor Kettle moved to calm fears of radioactive pollution in the loch: “We keep the filters closely monitored and radiation cannot leak into the loch. In any event, radiation is already to be found in the silts at the bottom dating back to air borne contamination that swept over the area after the Chernobyl disaster in 1986.”

Many students of cryptozoology are convinced that Nessie may in fact be a mutation caused by the unusual radioactive isotopes that are found in the rock beneath the loch and it is thought possible that the accumulated radiation and pollution since 1986 may have caused the monster(s) to grow even larger.

Dr Kettle mused, “this is the first time we have knowingly introduced large scale radioactive equipment into Loch Ness since Operation Pangea was developed in 1954 to test the potential of using hydrogen bombs to generate earthquakes.”

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