The Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Blog
– insights from Mikko, probably the world's leading cryptozoologist and Nessie expert
On Monday night (19th August) BBC2 (after Newsnight) broadcasts a re-cut documentary with updates on the Fort Augustus Abbey story. They’ve now spoken to some fifty witnesses who were children at the abbey and who now allege they were abused physically and/or sexually by some of the monks.
It’s the sort of Loch Ness Monster story nobody wants to believe. The scale of the alleged abuse is simply appalling.
It’s rarely that this blog sees much to agree with in Chambers of Commerce and Tourist Associations across the Scotland and the rest of the world but praise should be given where it is due. So, it must be right for Drumnadrochit’s Association to have circulated a letter by one of its long time business members (boat skipper George Edwards) who is evidently very concerned that some local formally unqualified pseudo scientists seem intent on pushing plankton & floating wood on the public rather than looking for the Loch Ness Monster and “bigging up” the mystery.
Let’s be quite clear: People know Loch Ness around the world because of the fame of the Loch Ness Monster, not because some ageing pseudo scientists, many of whom originally came to find Nessie but personally failed to find her, now want to use captive museum audiences to push a message about microbes and worms that many probably don’t want to hear; at least not while on holiday in Nessie’s supposed home village!
Veteran monster hunter and expert George Edwards is a well respected boat skipper who has probably ferried tens of thousands of visitors out onto Loch Ness to learn about the magic of Nessie, her caves and the unknown mysteries in the deep dark loch. He is always talking up the chances of seeing Nessie and maybe one day finding her. What he doesn’t do is ape some of the debunkers by advertising his boat as a Nessie attraction and then feeding negativity about Nessie down his passengers gullets based on the non academic background of hobbyists and others. George’s approach is therefore “Nessie, I believe” rather than “Nessie, she’s not real. Thanks for your money but she’s all just fiction so have some micro worms and a floating fence post instead. Oh and here’s the gift shop on your way out”.
This debate is important for the future of Drumnadrochit and all of the businesses within it. The world is full of cynics, bitter failures and debunkers in all spheres of existence and people visiting Drumnadrochit want to experience something more akin to the magic of Lapland and Father Christmas than a sombre museum monologue on pond life.
So on this occasion well done, Drumnadrochit Chamber of Commerce and Tourist Association for taking a pro Nessie stand. But don’t let it be a flash in the pan. Strive to encourage all the museum owners to considerably up their game, consider dispensing with yesterday’s formally unqualified Nessie naysayers and start fighting for the recovery of the all important pro Nessie tourism for every business in the area.
The twilight zone has well and truly moved into this year’s silly season Drumnadrochit, Loch Ness with news breaking in the Scottish Daily Record newspaper and also in the Highlands Press & Journal that local Loch Ness exhibition owner Donald Skinner has been arrested and charged by police for allegedly stealing a rival museum’s advertising sign.
Veteran entrepreneur Mr Skinner, 70, reportedly denies the theft, stating that he wrote repeatedly to his neighbouring museum’s owners to complain that their sign was blocking his own requesting that it be moved. He alleges they they failed to respond and so he warned them that he would “take custody of their sign” if they continued to ignore his requests.
Upon being arrested, Mr. Skinner says he told police that he “hadn’t stolen the sign under Scottish law” – worth, he says, about £30 (35 euro) but “had custody of it”.
Police say the matter will be reported to the Procurator Fiscal, the legal office which determines whether and how to proceed with criminal cases in Scotland.
There seems to be some desperation amongst businesses as, according to official data (and the obviously visible dwindling footfall in the village) tourist numbers have plummeted. Earlier this month the Drumnadrochit Chamber of Commerce and Tourist Association circulated a letter from long established and highly respected boat skipper George Edwards who was highlighting his concerns that the museum that is now accusing Mr Skinner of theft was itself being very negative about Nessie our famous Loch Ness Monster in its exhibits (apart from dumping tourists straight into a Nessie gift shop as they exit).
Perhaps Drumnadrochit needs an outbreak of common sense but there are a lot of apparently bitter old monster debunkers around and Highland feuds aplenty) so it’s unlikely that peace will break out any time soon.
In the meantime the silent majority can only look on in despair as a childish war escalates, which the fragile tourist trade here needs like a hole in the head. Perhaps it would be better for younger hearts and minds to push the bitter looking and seemingly failed and washed up old big beasts and pseudo scientists aside and start actually and actively promoting Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster.
What do you want to see? Debunking info and “facts” from non-academically trained folk about plankton and old wooden fence posts or the mystery and magic of the unknown monster who lives in the enormous dark depths of mysterious Loch Ness?
Tourism in the Loch Ness area has plummeted sparking fear and outrage that the comprehensive attempt to debunk the existence of Nessie, its famous resident may be partly to blame. The BBC has discovered the slump.
Speaking exclusively to us from his scientific compound, Professor Kettle said, “I have been warning about the likely damage to our fragile rural economy – which is heavily dependant on tourism – by local and outside debunkers. Often these are people who seem embittered by the successes of research projects such as mine and their own inability to find definitive proof. People visiting the area should save their money by visiting the loch themselves, rather than having it “interpreted” for them in some expensive facility”.
Young Dr. Pott also added his view that it was time for the increasingly pointless “old timers” to step aside and let people with a less jaded and more positive approach to hunting for Nessie the Loch Ness Monster and other cryptids and cryptozoological beasts to enhance the area’s appeal.
“Families don’t travel here from other parts of the UK and beyond to see dusty old exhibits about plankton and microbes. They come for Nessie and it’s time The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board wakes up and smells the coffee. Clapped out ideas and old rubbish abound here and aren’t up to scratch.”
The Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.
We were delighted to meet with representatives of Japanese TV’s premier channel, NHK, who requested a meeting to discuss our world leading research into Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.
We welcome many visitors from Japan and send all NHK’s viewers a big “Hello from Loch Ness, Scotland. Come and see us Live!“
A group of sad of old men – including some self proclaimed Loch Ness experts – are reported to be celebrating 80 years of failure to find Nessie the Loch Ness Monster. Many bearded old debunkers were already in their twenties when there was a good sighting of the monster (in the 1930s) as it walked across the road. Help The Aged were unavailable for comment at the time of going to press but we understand from other sources that they drank a lot and then declared they had never seen anything in the water or, in fact, ever managed anything of any consequence other than to unfailing seek to publicise themselves.
Tourists continue to flock to Loch Ness to see Nessie the monster for themselves and also use our excellent live cams to hunt for her 24/7/365 from around the world. Top world acclaimed Loch Ness Monster researcher Professor Kettle suggests they save their money by avoiding tartan tat exhibitions as well as places that seek to debunk Nessie and detract from the legend.
“It’s much better to take your lunch to the loch side and look for Nessie than to spend money on old and outdated silly presentations”, said Professor Kettle MdiPLN PHtFG UHtygT.
The Dalai Lama made a rare appearance at Eden Court in Inverness today. He was greeted by thousands of well wishers and expressed his own wish to see Loch Ness. Nessie, the monster did not attend events today as she is resting before the holiday season.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.
Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been shocked to learn that the NASA Moon Landings are, in fact, a complete hoax. Professor Kettle, speaking from his Loch Ness research project said, “the evidence is all presented here. It is overwhelming”.
Loch Ness Monster hunters and cryptozoology experts are happy to know they can continue to search for the real monster in Scotland at The Officially Original Loch Ness LiveCams, courtesy of the Nessie on the Net! website.
The Olympic torch (or, whichever one is fabled to be alight at any precise moment – apparently the “mother ship” aka an old Transit van bringing up the rearguard relights it when it goes out) arrived and left Loch Ness to little interest. Certainly Nessie, the famous monster, was nowhere to be seen having very sensibly chosen to stay at home well beneath the waves on the day.
UK citizens have been very upset that the games now represent little more than the worst aspects of over-the-top commercial sponsorship with global mega-companies (some of which don’t spring to mind as obvious “healthy” lifestyle choices) taking over everything to the exclusion of everyone else.
The used torches are also for sale to the bearers at a small price and it has widely been reported that some are turning up in online auctions across the UK for outrageous prices. It all makes the whole sorry spectacle leaving an even more sour taste.
Well, the good news is that the circus has now left town and serious Loch Ness researchers like Professor Kettle can settle down and get on with the important work of cryptozoological research.
Drumnadrochit elders have been quick to dismiss reports that the Olympic Torch is to be carried along its path today by elderly men with massive beards they have doused in petrol and set on fire in a desperate bid to draw more attention to themselves. “It is simply not true that this wonderful thing has been hijacked by a bunch of self-appointed self-publicists keen to milk the event for all its worth”, a spokesperson for The Silent Majority told us.
Well, that is a major relief. Nessie, our famous Loch Ness Monster, has enough trouble with formally unqualified pseudo scientists already and really doesn’t need the hassle of Zimmer frame aided burning beard “expeditionistas” creating even more mayhem!
In other news, Torch Watchers have again been warned by Professor Kettle not to throw dead chickens into Loch Ness as highly contagious Legionnaires’ Disease rages through the country showing no signs of slowing down