– insights from Mikko, probably the world's leading cryptozoologist and Nessie expert
by Mikko on Sat 15 May 2010 15:46 BST
The Loch Ness area along with the UK – right down to Heathrow and Gatwick – face more travel chaos as further volcanic ash from Iceland heads our way. The MET office said flights could be cancelled or re-directed from Sunday 16th May to Tuesday 18th May so check with your airports and airlines before travelling during that period.
In an astonishing attack from his Loch Ness project head quarters, Professor Kettle lashed out at the new wave of beards “engulfing” Loch Ness. “I want to make it quite clear that I do not have a beard and I never intend to have one. I am a serious academic involved in the ongoing search for the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster and beards are simply appalling”.
Cryptozoology was shaken by the revelation that one of its greatest experts had finally come down against beards and other experts were keen to give their pseudo scientific opinion. Dr Pott said, “Frankly I am surprised. I know that Kettle has been under a lot of pressure since we lost our opportunity to place hydrophones into Loch Ness and to deep scan for the sounds of a monster (due to the closure of British airspace earlier this month) but this is a worrying development.” He added, “it’s possible that Gordon Brown’s “bigot” encounter with Gillian pushed him over the edge”.
However, history may be on Kettle’s side again. “It is clear that men and women with beards tend to have low IQs as well as a lack of personal hygiene” said a source close to the EU Commission on British Fish Recycling.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment.
World leading cryptozoologist Professor Kettle commented, “this latest information confirms that sightings are markedly down since Kevin Carlyon, High Priest of British White Witches, visited the loch and placed a spell protecting Nessie from people out to get her.”
“We haven’t got the resources available to analyse Kevin’s impact but we are definitely aware of a more elusive monster in these waters”.
A member of the British Institute of Cryptozoology and Advanced Pseudo Sciences was unavailable for comment.
by Mikko on Tue 27 Apr 2010 09:32 BST
Cryptozoologist Professor Kettle has been carrying out an exhaustive search for Nessie, the Loch Ness monster, for the last two decades. He spoke from his Loch Ness project headquarters and said he was “unmoved” by the release of a letter from a former Chief Constable of Police of Inverness-shire Constabulary.
In the letter dated 15th August, 1938 William Fraser makes clear his belief in a “strange fish” in the loch that needs protecting.
“One has to wonder why there was a need for police involvement when it is quite obvious that the plesiosaur population in Loch Ness has survived for millions of years before mankind even existed”.
He added, “I can see there was concern that two people from London – a Mr Kent and a Miss Stirling – wanted to catch the monster ‘dead or alive’ with a harpoon gun but today we are carrying out a passive and careful search with no intention of harming Nessie. The last time I can remember an apparently odd ball search for Nessie was when Swedish monster hunter Jan Sundberg mounted an expedition to find the cryptid in 2000 and was warned by police here not to harm the monster”.
The Chief Constable’s letter can be seen in The National Archives of Scotland.
Massive filtration units have been working flat out at Loch Ness to clear the water of dangerous volcanic ash swept in from Iceland.
Dr. Pott explained that the surface scum caused by ash particles binding together could possibly suffocate fish and other aquatic life including the cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.
Dr. Pott said, “we have been very lucky that a firm in Kazakhstan could provide the huge filters. They are each the size of a double decker bus and had to be air lifted to Inverness airport on board the world’s only Antonov An-225 cargo super plane. It caused some consternation as it circled over Loch Ness and Inverness – nobody here has ever seen such a huge monster in the sky! For awhile it looked like we’d have to ask the people in Rovaniemi (in Finnish Lapland) how they temporarily extended the runway over there each Christmas to allow the now retired Concorde to land. Each year thousands of people flock there to see Father Christmas and they have unrivalled experience with special flights in adverse conditions”.
The filters have already been running for several days. Each one contains a small nuclear reactor, similar to those used to power some Russian Navy ships and submarines. Professor Kettle moved to calm fears of radioactive pollution in the loch: “We keep the filters closely monitored and radiation cannot leak into the loch. In any event, radiation is already to be found in the silts at the bottom dating back to air borne contamination that swept over the area after the Chernobyl disaster in 1986.”
Many students of cryptozoology are convinced that Nessie may in fact be a mutation caused by the unusual radioactive isotopes that are found in the rock beneath the loch and it is thought possible that the accumulated radiation and pollution since 1986 may have caused the monster(s) to grow even larger.
Dr Kettle mused, “this is the first time we have knowingly introduced large scale radioactive equipment into Loch Ness since Operation Pangea was developed in 1954 to test the potential of using hydrogen bombs to generate earthquakes.”
This is the scene (click the attachments link below) that greets visitors and cryptozoologists as they drive to Loch Ness from Inverness. It’s the first lay by that gives a view of the water but it’s all be fenced off because it’s collapsing into the water.
Professor Kettle lashed out from his Loch Ness project: “We need this lay by to be re-opened and re-opened fast so that we get the best possible chance of spotting the unknown monster (or cryptid) living in Loch Ness”.
Europe and the rest of the world have been isolated for nearly a week as the volcanic cloud of ash from Iceland spread its veil across this sceptred isle.
Air passengers should still check with their airline and departure airports as there is a huge backlog of people waiting to travel.
The world of cryptozoology also celebrated the re-opening. Dr Pott spoke spoke from his Loch Ness project site and said how glad he was that the search for the cryptid was back on. “Professor Kettle and I have managed to carry out some further research but now several key colleagues will be able to join us and we will be able to airlift much needed specialist equipment into key survey sites”.
He added, “if the second volcano blows its stack then all bets are off but in the meantime we are going flat out to find that monster”.
Yes, six days on and Loch Ness is still locked within the UK no fly zone. Limited flights have taken off from Glasgow and Edinburgh but most of the country, including London, remains tightly closed.
“The fear now is that a second bigger volcano will blow”, said eminent cryptozoologist Professor Kettle, “if it goes – and it always has before – then we could see cryptozoology seriously damaged and the hunt for Nessie, the cryptid will likewise suffer”.
The professor has been waiting to launch a group of small planes equipped with the latest air borne sonar equipment developed by NASA but has been refused permission to fly by the authorities. Visibly distressed he said, “this is a disaster because we were lent this fantastic equipment for a short period which has now expired. It might have been the moment we conclusively proved to the whole world that the Loch Ness Monster actually exists and now that moment has gone”.
The Scottish Tourist board was unavailable for comment but is understood to be concerned that hundreds of thousands of visitors maybe stranded as the travel chaos continues.
Anybody trying to reach Scotland or other parts of the UK should check with their airline and departure airport as things are so bad now that the BBC reports that the British Navy is rescuing Brits from France and Spain – many starving and suffering extreme trauma. A sailor on board HMS Ark Royal said, “these people have been in France and Spain for a week more than they planned. They are in a very sorry state and in need of urgent medical attention and psychiatric counselling after their gruelling and horrific time abroad”.
Professor Kettle had been hoping to reveal his plans for cheap and plentiful energy last week but the continued grounding of all flights in the United Kingdom has scuppered his timetable.
Speaking from his Loch Ness project, world expert in cryptozoology Professor Kettle said, “I have been looking for the unknown cryptid Nessie the Loch Ness Monster for twenty years and a lot has changed around here. One of the developments is wind power and a large number of turbines have sprung up all around Loch Ness with even more planned. They are ugly eyesores and totally inefficient when placed on land. During the long cold winter we had no wind – so they generated no power. Useless”.
He continued, “I have designed a new system whereby every passenger plane in the world will be fitted with a windmill that will generate fantastic amounts of electricity as the plane zooms along at over 500 mph (800 km/h). The energy will be stored in on board fuel cells and pushed into the national grid when the plane lands.”
He believes the volcano driven Europe wide grounding of aircraft is a temporary problem and that a prototype of his plan will be in operation later this year. “I am very excited by the development which will mean cheap energy for everyone and also make me extremely rich”.
In the meantime Professor Kettle continues his visual, sonar and hydrophone hunt for the world’s most elusive creature.
Update: Day four of the Icelandic volcano sees UK, Loch Ness and European flights grounded. Weather experts predict that there are unlikely to be any flights all week.
The ash cloud has descended to a few thousand feet above sea level and any exposure to it can cause a jet engine to fail catastrophically sending the plane plummeting to the ground with all on board.
Cryptozoologist Professor Kettle, based at his Loch Ness project, is characteristically sanguine: “this could be worse. We can safely put boats and probes out on the water and a few of my international colleagues have managed to arrive on the twelve hour coach ride from London”.
Dr Pott also welcomed the opportunities for cryptid hunting provided by the silent sky: “normally our advanced hydrophone arrays suffer terribly from the whoosh of RAF fighter planes on test flights over Loch Ness and even the Flybe and Easyjet planes travelling to and from Inverness can clearly be heard within the loch. Cryptozoology reies on sensitive equipment and measurements so this is a rare opportunity to listen for Nessie, the Loch Ness monster, within a comparatively silent loch.