Tag: Scottish

Speculation mounts that a government helicopter searched for land based Loch Ness Monster today

Helicopter searches for Loch Ness Monster

Locals were stunned today when the government dispatched a highly sophisticated helicopter to search for Nessie, the ever elusive Loch Ness Monster. Exclusive photographs have been provided to this Blog showing an extensive search after a hill walker reported seeing “something strange but massive lumbering over rocks” on the mountain above Loch Ness.

An un-named spokesman for HM Search & Rescue said “obviously we are aware that Nessie is a Protected Species under the Animal Welfare Act and we have a duty to ensure she is safe and not in danger of capture or injury by nefarious individuals or trophy hunters. Accordingly we dispatched and Air & Sea Search & Rescue helicopter with the latest location technology.”

The spokesman added, “on this occasion we did not locate The Loch Ness Monster but were able to secure the area and make sure the beast was safe. Since the famous Spicer Sighting of 1936 Nessie has often been seen on land and we regularly patrol the area in support of Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness Internet Research Project and other local authorities”.

Inverness Street Pedlar Who Swam Loch Ness Arrested in USA After Skipping Bail on Scottish Alleged Rape Charges – now faces extradition

Kim Vincent Avis
Inverness fugitive arrested in USA

An Inverness street pedlar known locally as Kim Gordon aka Kim Avis aka Kem Aivs Gordon etc. was due in the High Court in Edinburgh earlier this year but fled the country instead and faked his own death in California. He swam Loch Ness (allegedly for charity) and was often seen selling knick knacks outside Marks & Spencer in the High Street. Some at Highland Council (unavailable for comment at time of going to press) called him a “fine ambassador for the city”.

How things change: Now US Marshals working with Interpol, the Scottish authorities and the US police were able to locate and arrest him at a cheap motel in Colorado – over a thousand miles from where he disappeared. He was allegedly trying to d a runner to Mexico.

Kim Gordon is now due to appear in Denver Courthouse on 12th August to face extradition back to Scotland where the rap sheet has some 24 charges including alleged rapes and sexual assault, at least one involving a child. Other charges include breach of the peace.

Read the full story here in The Sun.

Boleskine House, Loch Ness , home of “the most evil man in the world” consumed by the fires of hell itself

The tiny Highland community surrounding Loch Ness was left reeling today as Boleskine House, former home to Satanist Aleistir Crowley (once dubbed “the most evil man in the world”) burned to the ground. The 18th century Grade B listed mansion was also owned by Led Zeppelin member, Jimmy Page, who bought it for its historical connection to Crowley.

Fire crews from Inverness, Foyers, Beauly and Dingwall spent hours battling flames that seemed to rise from the depths of hell itself to overwhelm and engulf the structure, leaving acrid sulfurous fumes so overpowering that emergency personnel had to wear special breathing apparatus just to get near to the site.

Nice new photo of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster?

There is a nice new photo in today’s Daily Mail of a possible Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Resident expert Professor Kettle isn’t sure though: “It does look very much like a boat wake. The weird standing waves and undersea currents in Loch Ness often cause things that look strange to folk who come across them for the first time.”

However, dedicated monster hunter Mikko, of Nessie on the Net! and the Loch Ness Live Cams said, “it is clearly a creature swimming just below the surface of the loch. I’ve seen this time and again and it adds to the irrefutable proof that a cryptid (unidentified cryptozoological beast) is living in Loch Ness.”

Tell us what you think of the photos, you can see them in today’s Daily Mail newspaper.

The Real Loch Ness Monsters – Fort Augustus Abbey

Over twenty possible victims of the Fort Augustus Abbey and Carlekemp School sexual abuse scandals have been identified by police as they research terrible details of what looks like the story of the Real Monsters of Loch Ness.

There is more about this in the Inverness Courier. Specialist police teams are investigation allegations of sex abuse by some monks dating back to the 1970s.

Pogonophobiacs Warned to Steer Clear of Loch Ness

Bearded Loch Ness Researchers
Bearded hunter warning

The BBC’s Jeremy Paxman has identified pogonophobia as a cause for concern and Loch Ness is reeling as the area is well known to be full of sad and vain bearded old men.

Clean shaven Professor Kettle spoke to us from his Loch Ness project HQ and warned visitors who suffer from pogonophobia (the fear of beards) to keep away or risk feeling queasy. “We seem to buck the UK trend when it comes to facial hair. Fortunately the women generally steer clear of beards around the loch but many monster specimens of the male denomination do exist. Some extreme examples are quite wild and unwieldy and could put an unwary tourist right off their tea. Our research reinforces the view that Neanderthal Man lived in peat bogs around Loch Ness and possibly still does.”

Dr. Pott added, “Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, is thought to be beardless and it’s heartening that the next generation have pretty much put beards to one side in favour of more sensible things like getting themselves an education. Cryptozoologists get a bad press, often because they aren’t formally qualified and cryptozoology deserves better”.

Amazon Pacu – flesh eating fish the real Loch Ness Monster?

In a worrying new development, Amazon Pacu ball chomping fish have been attacking swimmers off the coast of Sweden and are now feared to be heading for Loch Ness.

The critters are cousins of piranhas and can grow large: 90 centimetres long and weighing up to 25 kgs. They are nicknamed “ball cutter” for frequent attacks on the male genitalia.

Speaking exclusively to us, eminent Professor Kettle said, “obviously my Loch Ness research project is now closely monitoring the situation and we’d advise everyone not to totally panic – but do take extra care to always wear full body swimsuits in Loch Ness and be on the look out for these fish. We want to hear from anyone who encounters them or sees suspicious activity via our sister resource site, Nessie on the Net. Please email me at Loch Ness HQ.” 

Another long established and world famous Loch Ness researcher, Dr. Pott added, “needless to say, the fish have apparently made the enormous journey from the Amazon to Sweden. It’s only a comparatively short hop for them into the very hospitable nutrient and food rich waters of Loch Ness.”

Speaking about the Swedish incidents, an expert  for the Danish Museum told the UK’s Daily Telegraph newspaper “The pacu is not normally dangerous to people but it has quite a serious bite, there have been incidents in other countries, such as Papua New Guinea where some men have had their testicles bitten off.”

There is more on the terrifying fish that are rampaging Sweden in the Daily Telegraph newspaper. How will cryptid Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, cope with this latest amazing phenomena? Our world leading cryptozoologists and experts will keep you posted as events unfold on the ground and in the deep and murky water.

Fort Augustus Abbey School – The Real Loch Ness Monsters

Fort Augustus is reeling from news that it may be the unofficial “dirty old man” capital of the UK. Staggering accounts of the most serious child abuse allegedly committed over many years by Catholic clerics based at the school. This is a real and developing Loch Ness monster story that is far more horrifying than Nessie and has cast a terrible shadow.

“A BBC programme broadcast last week uncovered evidence of physical and sexual abuse at Fort Augustus Abbey School.

Police – who began investigating allegations of abuse last March – said they were liaising with law enforcement agencies in the UK and beyond.”

Read more about this appalling story which seems to get worse with each passing day. There is a lot more to come as  the church and police look back at records and files relating to allegations of abuse over the past 50 years. A promise has been given to publish details of these next year.

The BBC also broadcast a programme about this called: “Sins of the Fathers”.

Loch Ness Monster, Nessie, Religion’s Friend: Pastafarianism goes official

Yup folks. Belief in The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster has gone totally official as a Czech court upholds its followers’ religious rights to wear a salad strainer on their heads as an article of faith.

For more click here

and here.

40 mph traffic jams as Highlands main road is attacked

The Scottish Government, never known to be a friend of the Highlands which it regards as a milch cow to be built over by wind turbines and mega pylons is now seeking to make life for residents and visitors even worse.

A 40mph speed limit will see the journey time from Edinburgh to Inverness rise to almost four hours as motorists cannot escape the combination of average speed cameras & rolling convoys of protesting juggernauts and tractors.

Professor Kettle, speaking to us exclusively from his Loch Ness side reasearch project head quarters says, “this is a disaster. We monster hunters need this like a hole in the head”.

You can read more on this shocking story here.