Yup folks. Belief in The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster has gone totally official as a Czech court upholds its followers’ religious rights to wear a salad strainer on their heads as an article of faith.
Author: mikkoT
40 mph traffic jams as Highlands main road is attacked
The Scottish Government, never known to be a friend of the Highlands which it regards as a milch cow to be built over by wind turbines and mega pylons is now seeking to make life for residents and visitors even worse.
A 40mph speed limit will see the journey time from Edinburgh to Inverness rise to almost four hours as motorists cannot escape the combination of average speed cameras & rolling convoys of protesting juggernauts and tractors.
Professor Kettle, speaking to us exclusively from his Loch Ness side reasearch project head quarters says, “this is a disaster. We monster hunters need this like a hole in the head”.
You can read more on this shocking story here.
Monster sized rescue scramble by Loch Ness
They weren’t looking for Nessie but police & Mountain Rescue were called into action on Sunday 16th June to search for a hill walker who was feared missing in the mountains overlooking Loch Ness.
The rural community was stunned when a massive air-sea rescue helicopter suddenly landed in a field to transport members of the rescue service.
It’s great to know that residents and visitors to the area have such a dedicated rescue team in the vicinity.
Monster Geddon Hits Loch Ness Village
You could be forgiven for expecting to hear a PA speaker bellowing out “Good Morning Vietnam” from the village green as the four horsemen of the apocalypse bring Monster Geddon to the normally quiet Loch Ness side village of Drumnadrochit.
A Great Glen sized schism seems to have opened up between believers and naysayers over the existence of our beloved Nessie and the possible impact old museums and other places have on tourism to the area if they down play her existence.
“It’s like Channel 4’s ‘Homeland’ has come to our village. Normally normal sorts of people seem to be issuing fatwas and proclaiming they have the one and only Loch Ness Monster Truth & Orthodoxy viz-a-viz Nessie”, said Professor Kettle. “I seem to see Osama Bin Laden lookalikes all over the place and with past newspaper reports of Nessie wars involving Molatov Cocktails and other shenanigans one has to wonder what on earth is happening”.
“I know the sun has made a rare appearance and people can go silly season daft but it’s a fact that nobody has ever proved the Loch Ness Monster does not exist – certainly not non scientists and Loch Ness hobbyists”.
Dr Pott has seen a theme to the madness: “There are monstrous big beasts afoot and this looks a bit like some Loch Ness sleeper cells have suddenly received an Alien Pod mind signal spurring them to denounce anyone who says Nessie is:
a) a good thing and the monster should be pedalled and promoted as a cryptozoological prehistoric beast to an adoring public, or,
b) Nessie is just a plankton stuck to a floating gate post and she doesn’t really exist.
Unwary passers-by risk getting their heads shot off by either side if they venture onto the “forbidden lawns” (ref. Arthur Daley’s “manor” in “Minder”).
A spokesperson for the silent majority told us, “I know what I’ve seen and it wasn’t a old plank some joker tossed off Urquhart Castle”.
Loch Ness Monster village: Drumnadrochit’s civil war flames on
The truth really can be stranger than fiction. Open warfare seems to have broken out between villagers over the existence or otherwise of Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster. Oliver Cromwell & Rob Roy had nothing on all this!
The Inverness Courier and other newspapers have been reporting on the hostilities. Maybe it’s time for the Blue Berets of The United Nations Peace Keeping Force to move onto the village green!
Do you visit Loch Ness to look for our monster or do you really really want to travel here to see old museums about mud, mini eels and pseudo scientific research into how your eye might “interpret” a floating gate post?
To us it’s a no brainer, so rock on the incomparable “Nessieland” on the Beauly turn off in Drumnadrochit.
Self proclaimed Nessie “experts” quit Drumnadrochit Association in apparent fits of pique
You really don’t need to make it up in Drumnadrochit, Loch Ness – at least that is our opinion after reading today’s Daily Telegraph and Inverness Courier newspapers.
In an apparent fit of pique, veteran Loch Ness monster myth “poo pooer” Tony Harmsworth has quit his position as website editor for the Drumnadrochit Chamber of Commerce and Tourist Association. He reportedly did this because fellow association member and long time local tour boat owner & operator George Edwards issued a fierce critique of the long-in-the-tooth (and formally unqualified “naturalist” – a word we can all apply to ourselves by virtue of the fact that we also breathe air) Adrian Shine’s Loch Ness museum on the A82 Inverness -Fort William road (see the Daily Telegraph report here). According to the Inverness Courier Mr. Shine’s museum has also quit the chamber. It’s all quite tragic but also very funny – seemingly like a Shakespeare / Mr Bean combo farce.
George reckons that the museum may be putting off many visitors by seeking to debunk Nessie and we agree with him. Nessie is an unknown Loch Ness Monster; a cryptozoological beast, the non-existence of which has never been proven and certainly not by hobbying naturalists.
We always suggest people to the area visit the apparently superior and pro Nessie “Nessieland exhibition” which is on the Beauly & Cannich road (turn out of Drumnadrochit). In our opinion the museum piece on the A82 Inverness – Fort William road is now way past its best days in both content and presentation and seems not positive about the Nessie myth.
Nessie the Loch Ness Monster attacked by killer sandstorms!
Terrifying sandstorms have battered The Moray Firth and Loch Ness region burying rural roads and communities. Chaotic scenes in Inverness Airport, which was engulfed by a desert storm leaving the bewildered and horror struck holidaymakers trapped within.
“I’ve never seen anything like this”, Professor Kettle of the Research Loch Ness Monster project told us. “Our boat and research facilities have suffered terrible damage.”
Council crews are literally using their bare hands in addition to power diggers and hastily converted snow blowers to get deep sand drifts off the critical rural roads and train lines. “It’s sheer mayhem here” added Kettle.
Monster Road Works Cripple Inverness Traffic
A hair brained scheme to repair the Kessock Bridge, which links Inverness to the Black Isle across the Moray Firth, has resulted in short journeys taking hours rather than minutes.
Traffic lights have been strung up like confetti around the bridge and are totally out of phase with the rest of the city (in fact, all the traffic lights in Inverness are a mess).
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press but there are real fears that visitors to see Nessie, the Loch Ness monster, will be affected.
“These traffic lights are a disgrace and will harm my Loch Ness research project” said Professor Kettle. “We want the Kessock Bridge replaced with a tunnel because that is the best way to ensure the Loch Ness Monster is not disturbed. Nessie is a protected species and this is just not good enough”.
US to teach students reality of Loch Ness Monster
In the southern state of Louisiana in the USA, school pupils will be taught that the Loch Ness Monster is real in an attempt to dispute Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution.
Speaking from his Loch Ness side project, Professor Kettle stated, “we are very excited about this development. It shows that people around the world are keen to find out the truth about the prehistoric creature living in this massive murky world”.
Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, has been seen dozens of times over the years and millions of people have visited the area with the hope of catching a glimpse of the elusive creature. Many cryptozoologists speculate that Nessie is in fact one of a large family of dinosaurs that navigate between the deep oceans and Loch Ness each year.
Microbes found in Loch Ness provide clue to life
The research team at Loch Ness has discovered new bottom feeders in Loch Ness. The tiny microbes ingest sulphuric acid released from the thermal vents formed by the active Great Glen fault line.
“We are absolutely stunned by our new findings”, Professor Kettle told waiting reporters outside his Loch Ness Research project facility. “My colleague Dr. Pott will be taking further readings but it is clear that the microbes here are very similar to those found in South American volcanoes and surely proves beyond reasonable doubt that life exists on other moons and planets.
The Highlands of Scotland Tourist Board was unavailable for comment at time of going to press.