Highlands - The Officially Original Loch Ness Monster Blog

Will Inverness Provost Get Her Own Chain to Wear When She Leaves Office? Also, it’s official: Highland Council is “mad, bad and sad”.

Locals often engage in the hilarious “spot the provost in her chain” game in Inverness. The particular councilor sometimes seems to try and get half a dozen photos of herself in various poises in the same edition of the local paper. It is a bit like watching the joker mayor in the film “Carry on Girls”, only in his case the hapless guy in the chain-of-office got photo’d every time his trousers fell down.

Provost Chain of Office Trumps The Potholes

Now an anonymous American donor is rumoured to be considering buying a full size copy chain-of-office to give to the self styled first lady of the town so that she can wear it after she loses election (hopefully as soon as possible since Highland Council is a ramshackle shambles) or retires. That way she can continue to wear it pretty much all the time, just like she appears to now.

If you spot Inverness provost in her chain doing the shopping at her local supermarket, don’t laugh. Apparent vanity is a debilitating condition and we hope she gets better soon.

In separate developments a Highland Councilor has quit the shambolic local authority stating it is now just “the mad, the bad, and the sad” . Well done , Inverness Councillor Richard Laird – we couldn’t agree more. Read it all here.

New DNA Research Finds No Trace of Loch Ness Monster

In a startling public statement, Loch Ness Researchers have concluded that months of painstaking analysis of water from Loch Ness have yielded absolutely no evidence of un-identified DNA.

“We have been looking for deoxyribonucleic acid (DNA) and comparing it against a database of known aquatic life forms in Loch Ness”, Professor Kettle explained to the press.

“Unfortunately we have not been successful but this does not prove that Nessie does not exist.” You can clearly see here in this video from The Nessie On The Net! Loch Ness Live Cams and we will continue the hunt.

Word Exclusive – Two Nessies Captured on Our Loch Ness Live Cams!

Read more in The Sun newspaper and you can continually hunt live for the Loch Ness Monster here.

Highland Council Admits It Can’t Cope With Wet Weather

In an astounding confession Highland Council has admitted that it can’t cope with a bit of rain and homes and businesses will just have to flood. The kitty has been spent on consultations for a Soviet Era Berlin Wall to wreck the beautiful River Ness. The idea is to concrete the popular natural riverside to provide a space for drunks, druggies and graffiti vandals to make a mess. Naturally there is no money left for flood prevention, elderly care, disabled care or anything else that is really important.

The council leaders have told the populace “if you don’t have bread then eat cake” while they treat themselves to lavish canapes and wines in buffet lunches and parties – all at the expense of the local tax payer.

Highland’s Chief Mandarin Says Waste of Money Must Go Ahead

Unelected and therefore unaccountable in any meaningful way to the cash strapped residents of the Highlands, it’s head mandarin , Highland council Chief Executive, Donna Manson says the £100,000s of public money wasted on The River Ness Mess is well spent and the calamity must proceed.

Highland Council art – only £400,000 and counting

Once a beautiful part of Inverness (perhaps the best part), this crackpot scheme apparently dreamed up by a few councilors in the privacy of the council chamber will see a huge concrete wall resembling the Cold War Berlin Wall built alongside the water’s edge.

Meantime, elderly and frail people in the Highlands freeze, starve and suffer from a crippled care service but the bosses at Highland Council are hell bent on their vanity project that will leave a massive ugly erection in the heart of the so called city for decades to come.

Dangerous Toxic Algal Bloom Fears For Loch Ness

After Environmental Health officials posted official warning about swimming or consuming dangerous toxic water from Loch Watten, fears have spread that Loch Ness may soon be at risk too.

Professor Kettle of The Loch Ness Internet Research Project said, “this type of algal infestation is something we constantly guard against. It’s nasty and it’s dangerous and could pose a serious risk to locals, visitors and Nessie, The Loch Ness Monster”.

The official warning is available online.

Speculation mounts that a government helicopter searched for land based Loch Ness Monster today

Helicopter searches for Loch Ness Monster

Locals were stunned today when the government dispatched a highly sophisticated helicopter to search for Nessie, the ever elusive Loch Ness Monster. Exclusive photographs have been provided to this Blog showing an extensive search after a hill walker reported seeing “something strange but massive lumbering over rocks” on the mountain above Loch Ness.

An un-named spokesman for HM Search & Rescue said “obviously we are aware that Nessie is a Protected Species under the Animal Welfare Act and we have a duty to ensure she is safe and not in danger of capture or injury by nefarious individuals or trophy hunters. Accordingly we dispatched and Air & Sea Search & Rescue helicopter with the latest location technology.”

The spokesman added, “on this occasion we did not locate The Loch Ness Monster but were able to secure the area and make sure the beast was safe. Since the famous Spicer Sighting of 1936 Nessie has often been seen on land and we regularly patrol the area in support of Professor Kettle’s Loch Ness Internet Research Project and other local authorities”.

Boleskine House, Loch Ness , home of “the most evil man in the world” consumed by the fires of hell itself

The tiny Highland community surrounding Loch Ness was left reeling today as Boleskine House, former home to Satanist Aleistir Crowley (once dubbed “the most evil man in the world”) burned to the ground. The 18th century Grade B listed mansion was also owned by Led Zeppelin member, Jimmy Page, who bought it for its historical connection to Crowley.

Fire crews from Inverness, Foyers, Beauly and Dingwall spent hours battling flames that seemed to rise from the depths of hell itself to overwhelm and engulf the structure, leaving acrid sulfurous fumes so overpowering that emergency personnel had to wear special breathing apparatus just to get near to the site.

Nice new photo of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster?

There is a nice new photo in today’s Daily Mail of a possible Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster. Resident expert Professor Kettle isn’t sure though: “It does look very much like a boat wake. The weird standing waves and undersea currents in Loch Ness often cause things that look strange to folk who come across them for the first time.”

However, dedicated monster hunter Mikko, of Nessie on the Net! and the Loch Ness Live Cams said, “it is clearly a creature swimming just below the surface of the loch. I’ve seen this time and again and it adds to the irrefutable proof that a cryptid (unidentified cryptozoological beast) is living in Loch Ness.”

Tell us what you think of the photos, you can see them in today’s Daily Mail newspaper.

The Real Loch Ness Monsters – Fort Augustus Abbey

Over twenty possible victims of the Fort Augustus Abbey and Carlekemp School sexual abuse scandals have been identified by police as they research terrible details of what looks like the story of the Real Monsters of Loch Ness.

There is more about this in the Inverness Courier. Specialist police teams are investigation allegations of sex abuse by some monks dating back to the 1970s.

Pogonophobiacs Warned to Steer Clear of Loch Ness

Bearded Loch Ness Researchers — Bearded hunter warning

The BBC’s Jeremy Paxman has identified pogonophobia as a cause for concern and Loch Ness is reeling as the area is well known to be full of sad and vain bearded old men.

Clean shaven Professor Kettle spoke to us from his Loch Ness project HQ and warned visitors who suffer from pogonophobia (the fear of beards) to keep away or risk feeling queasy. “We seem to buck the UK trend when it comes to facial hair. Fortunately the women generally steer clear of beards around the loch but many monster specimens of the male denomination do exist. Some extreme examples are quite wild and unwieldy and could put an unwary tourist right off their tea. Our research reinforces the view that Neanderthal Man lived in peat bogs around Loch Ness and possibly still does.”

Dr. Pott added, “Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, is thought to be beardless and it’s heartening that the next generation have pretty much put beards to one side in favour of more sensible things like getting themselves an education. Cryptozoologists get a bad press, often because they aren’t formally qualified and cryptozoology deserves better”.